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Tools and Tips for Relationships That Work August 2004 In this issue "My husband and I argue about the same things over and over again," said Julie. "We even use the exact same words. Really, we could just turn on two tape recorders and let them go at it. It would accomplish just about as much." When you find yourself in the argument loop, it usually means that neither of you is feeling understood. Very likely, you don't feel listened to at all! Every time you do another loop, your frustration escalates, like a poker game. You may be arguing about who does more chores around the house, but at some point the argument really becomes about not being heard. You both dig in your heels, saying in effect: "I will not give an inch until I know you will listen to me and understand me." There's no way around it-you've both got to feel understood before you've got any hope of making headway on the topic of your disagreement. When you get that feeling that you're in a rerun, try these three tools and see if they help you make more headway. up immediately. 1) Start with a Loving Attitude. Your attitude is more important than the words you use. When tensions start to rise, take a moment to go inward and do an attitude check. Are you rehearsing your grievances? Are you preparing the cross examination you're going to use when it's your turn? Are you throwing up a wall with your body language? You may find you are looking away, tensing up, and closing yourself up. Instead, let go of your thoughts. Relax your body, look your partner in the eye, and approach him with an open heart. Prepare to discover him at his best. Make it safe for him to be who he really is, human flaws and all. (Hint: If you do this for him, he's a lot more likely to do this for you.) Take an attitude of supporting him, even if you disagree with his opinion. Remember that you're talking to someone you love! 2) Try 110% Listening This means that when your partner speaks, you are focused on understanding her and nothing else. You may interrupt, in fact, you should interrupt if you lose track of what she's saying or if you get confused. Otherwise, no interruptions allowed! When she finishes a sentence, don't start to speak immediately. Allow a pause. The pause gives room for her to allow vague thoughts to crystallize. When words come easily, she's telling you something she's already sure of. When she slows down, she's on the leading edge of her experience, describing insights that are emerging. In other words, she's growing. So much growth and intimacy is lost when we move too fast. Communication about feelings is not the same as communication about where to go for vacation. A conflict is a gateway to each of your inner worlds, but if you're rushing by, you won't even notice that the gate is open. When she's really finished, show her you understand what she said, both her words and her feelings. Pay attention to her body language. If she looks sad, ask her about that, even if her words are upbeat. If you haven't quite understood, let her correct you and keep trying until you get it right. 3) Speak in I-Messages When it's your turn to speak, use I- Messages. This simply means that you make your point by describing your own experience. Yes, you may have to talk about other people to tell the whole story. If you're upset with your partner, you will have to describe what he did in order to make yourself understood. But as much as possible, focus on the "I's" and avoid the "You's." When we hear a "You" coming at us, we tend to feel attacked. When someone is describing their own experience, we tend to empathize with them, especially if it's someone we love. For example: Do: When I found out you hadn't gotten your car ready repaired, I felt frustrated, and like the whole thing is falling on my shoulders. Don't: What? You didn't call the repair shop? What were you thinking? Can you feel the difference? An I-Message puts the odds of an open-minded response in your favor. You may be asking yourself: But how can this work if my partner isn't following the same rules? Well, you could show him this article and then you would both have the same information! It certainly does help if both people are working with the same guidelines. However, even if you're trying out these tips on your own, you will see your interaction improve. People have a tendency to mirror each other. If you raise your voice, your partner will get louder. If you interrupt, he will feel like he has to interrupt you to be heard. If you approach your partner with a loving attitude, give him 110% listening, and speak in I-messages, he will naturally tend to follow your lead. You may also be wondering why I'm not talking about problem-solving or coming up with a compromise. The reason is that trying to come up with a solution too soon has a boomerang effect. The harder you drive toward a solution, the less you will feel understood. However, if you both really feel understood, you'll feel more flexible and creative. Also, you'll have unearthed a lot more information about what's going on inside both of you and you really need that to come up with a solution that will work. What it comes down to is this: More than a having the car in order or making sure the work is shared 50/50, what we all want more than anything is someone to understand us. After all, isn't that why you're in a relationship in the first place? Want a Good Night's Sleep? Mend Fences With Your Family Anyway, there you have it- another reason to give attention to your family relationships. We knew they affected your health and your wealth-now we know they affect your sleep. "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." Claire Hatch Counseling & Communication Copyright ©2004 Claire Hatch, LICSW
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