As the counseling session wrapped up, Sandy asked if we could schedule our next appointment for two weeks out instead of one. That way they would have more time to do their ‘homework’ and practice the communication skills they were learning.

“Yeah,” said Sandy’s husband, Mark, “We’re so busy we have to come to counseling to just to have a date!”

For many couples today, their biggest relationship problem is finding time to have a relationship. If this sounds like you, you might be telling yourself it will all be different after the wedding. But will it? Wedding planning eats up a lot of time, that’s for sure. But many couples find that the problem of ‘no time for love’ lingers long after the guests have gone home.

Too many couples today end up feeling more like project managers than lovers.

“Our conversations go like this,” said Caroline. “‘Did you remember to call the insurance agent? No, I’ll try to do it this morning. Should I write the check for the mortgage? That would be great. Can you pick up Derek from day care by 6:00? No, my meeting will probably run late. If you get him, I’ll pick up dinner on my way home.’ We sound like we’re partners running a mini-corporation!

Not only does it take time to have fun, it takes time to have sex. (Hey, someone’s got to say it!) Couples are often puzzled about why sex ends up at the bottom of their list. One reason is that the list is too long! To put it in a nutshell, down time is sexy. Relaxing is sexy. Multi-tasking is not.

People forget how much time they used to set aside for each other when they were dating. Whole evenings just to get to know each other. Whole weekends just to enjoy each other. And there were no bills to pay and no chores to do, because you didn’t have joint responsibilities. Dates automatically felt like mini-vacations. When you share a household, you don’t get that feeling quite so automatically. You have to make a point to create it.

At this point in your life, the ‘chores’ may be more related to the wedding. But you can still get caught up in the same dynamic of all work and no play. And for many engaged couples, their ‘dark secret’ is that they’re so stressed, their sex life has dwindled. (Sometimes I wonder, does this have anything to do with the skeptical attitude a lot of men have about weddings? After all, how many men would raise their hands in favor of more shopping and less sex?)

Whether you’ve been married for years, like Sandy and Mark, or whether you’re still looking forward to your wedding, the time for finding more time for love is now. Here are some pointers to get you going in the right direction.

Be Ruthless.
About setting priorities, I mean. Finding time to nurture your relationship requires a laser-like focus on what’s really important to you. Just because that board is for a cause you believe in doesn’t mean you need to be on it. Just because you love yoga AND aerobics AND weight training AND Pilates doesn’t mean you should do all of them. And just because you get invited to great parties doesn’t mean you should always say yes.

For a lot of under 35’s, the social whirl is intense. They’re living a college-style social life, while trying to launch careers, go to school, maybe even start a family. This manic socializing is partly a way to explore the world—and themselves. As they venture into new situations, they ask themselves, “Is this my tribe? Are these my values? Is this how I want to live?”

If you’ve decided to marry, you’ve found some of the answers to those questions. So you might want to ask yourself, “Do I really want to keep up this pace?” I’m not saying you should forget about trying new things. Just that you may have clearer priorities that you did a few years ago and you might want to trim your commitments to reflect them.

Go Ahead and Say It: “NO!”
To maintain your laser-like focus, you’re going to need the skill of saying, “NO.” For a year, my friend Karen chaired a committee for an organization of small business owners. At the end of that year, she realized that while rewarding in many ways, the job took a lot of time away from more important activities. When the board president asked her to sign up for the next year, she said, “No, I’m not planning on being the chair again next year.” There was a pause and the president said, “Oh, really? But you did such a good job. Why don’t you want to do it again?” Karen answered, “It just doesn’t fit with my goals for this year.”

No reasons, no rationalizations, just: This isn’t my priority. Sounds gutsy, doesn’t it? And it does take guts, if you’ve never tried it. But believe me, the sky won’t fall and people won’t think you’re a terrible, selfish person. You might be surprised to find that they actually respect you more. And the feeling you get when you stand up for your own priorities can be very exhilarating.

Find the ‘Good Enough’ Point
Bob had an “Aha!” moment when he realized that he puts stress on his relationship by his desire to optimize every situation.

“I realized that instead of going to three grocery stores to find the lowest price on every item, it would be better for my relationship if I got home a half hour earlier. I can save that kind of energy for bigger things, like shopping for a new car.”

If you’re a high achiever, the drive to optimize can be a tempting trap. Whatever you’re doing, you want to do the best possible job. The problem is you can end up shooting yourself in the foot. Saving those pennies (or searching 10 different stores for the perfect wedding invitations) eats up your precious time.

If this sounds like you, try asking yourself, “What’s the ‘good enough point’ for this project?” In wedding planning, you may want to optimize when it comes to your gown. A lot of brides have very strong feelings about THE DRESS. (I know—I was one of them!) But it’s worth asking yourself, “Do I really care that much about every single part of my wedding?” Your ‘good enough point’ for favors or flowers may be different. Every time you identify the ‘good enough point’ of a task, you buy yourself time for that part of your life that really does deserve optimization—your relationship.

Create New Traditions Now
Right now you’re creating patterns that will carry on into your married life. If you’re not spending enough time with each other now, I would bet big money that I could drop in on you a year from now and you’d have the same problem. So why not deliberately create traditions that will keep you connected as you move into the future?

One tradition that works for a lot of busy couples is “date night.” That’s one way to get that mini-vacation feeling again. And I know a number of couples that save Sundays for their partners. No matter how crowded their schedule gets or how many demands they have, they always know that they will have that one day together.

Another good way to stay connected to your partner is to develop hobbies together. Take up golf or salsa dancing together, and you’ve just cut way back on the planning. You’ve made having fun together an automatic part of your schedule.

These ideas have helped my clients balance their lives and carve out more time for each other. Why don’t you give them a try and see what happens? Begin now to make time for love, so later on you won’t have to come to a counseling appointment just to get a date.

A recent Wall Street Journal article described the growing trend of CEO’s going to therapy. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. They’re under great pressure, they’re supposed to have all the answers, and their ability to communicate with others is crucial. But to make therapy work for them they have to adjust their pace. They have to realize that psychological changes don’t happen at the speed of business.

A lot of my clients have to learn the same lesson.

“When I get home and my wife brings up a problem with the kids, I tend to fire off answers like I would in a meeting,” said Kirk. “I couldn’t understand why she got her feelings hurt or felt criticized. Now, I know that she was wanting to connect and bring me back into the family, not just check off a problem on her list. What I’ve learned is that I have to slow way down when I hit the front door.”

Slow is one of the magic words for relationships. And another one is soft. How you say it is just as important as what you say and if you say it slow and soft, you’ll be amazed at what happens.

A soft voice tells your partner that you care and that you will be gentle with him. A soft voice tends to draw people closer to you and invite them to open up. Think about how you react when a child comes up to you crying. Don’t you automatically soften your voice? Instinctively, you know how to make him feel safe and comforted.

On the other hand, a loud tone will tend to push people away.

“My boyfriend teaches middle school,” said Dana, “and for awhile I was puzzled about the sharp tone he takes on sometimes. Then, one day, I got it. He’s talking to me the way he does to his kids. What a turn off! Now, I just say, don’t use your Mr. Fletcher voice on me.”

Once you’ve mastered soft, try adding slow. A soft tone uncovers feelings. A slow pace allows those feelings to unfold. Think about exploring a new neighborhood on foot as opposed to by car. On foot, you get a much better feel for it. You can see the detail of the plants, the texture of the houses.

If you’re looking for intimacy, set off on foot.Intimacy is about sharing all the subtle ins and outs of experience. Not: “What a rough day. The boss was really breathing down my neck.” But instead: “Dave was telling me how important this project is and my stomach was upset for the rest of the day. It’s always in the back of my mind. I guess I’m wondering if I’ll really be able to pull it off.”

If your wedding is coming up, now’s the time to think about soft and slow. Not only do you need to keep an eye on your teacher voice or your executive voice, you need to beware of your wedding planner voice. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that wedding planning will propel you into hyperspeed just as effectively as work, if not more so. And if you’re like a lot of brides, running on high gear can become a way of life without you even realizing it. It is all too easy talk to your fiancé as though you’re making a quick call to your caterer or florist.

Right now, your priority should be keeping stress to a minimum and staying connected to your fiancé right up to your wedding. You’ll find this easier if you make a conscious effort to switch from switch gears from planning mode to relationship mode. These tips will help.

• Take a breath and just sit for a moment. Let the inner rush subside.
• Approach your partner with an open heart. Commit yourself to discovering him at his best.
• Give yourself time and don’t sweat the small stuff. Many times it’s wise to leave chores or errands undone in favor of connecting with your partner.
• Remember than there are more important things than efficiency. A wedding that goes off without a hitch is meaningless if you’re not feeling intimate with your fiancé.
• After your partner speaks, just wait. This lets him know that you’re ready to hear everything he has to say.

Get in the habit of reminding yourself to go soft and slow, and see what a difference it makes.

Bonus: It works with your parents, your friends, and your future in-laws, too.

Sally knew that she and Mark had different tastes on their first date. But she kept her knowledge to herself.

When Mark said he liked to go camping, Sally didn’t express her first thought, which was: “The closest I get to camping is a walk in Central Park.” Instead, she said, “We used to go camping a lot when we were kids.” When he said he liked country music, she didn’t say, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Instead, she said, “My boss is crazy about Garth Brooks.”

It’s not that she was trying to misrepresent who she was. It’s just that she was in fairy tale love mode. You were probably in fairy tale love mode on your first date with your fiancé. Most of us are on a first date. We are wondering if a relationship is possible and secretly hoping we are “made for each other.” If we are, we will understand each other effortlessly and our relationship will glide forward smoothly. Or so we imagine. When we are in fairy tale love mode, we have a sharp eye for the tiniest commonalities. And we are often blind to differences, or we try to be. We don’t want to rock the boat.
Of course, by the time you become a bride, you are past fairy tale love mode. You are in real love mode. You speak with perfect frankness about your tastes, your goals, your dreams. Right? Well, maybe not quite. When you move from planning your weekends to planning the rest of your life, you are on a threshold of a new dream. Once again you are hoping you are “made for each other.” Even if you have achieved great honesty in your relationship, an engagement ring has a way of transporting you right back to fairy tale love mode.

One of my clients told me that in England, you can’t get married after 6:00 in the evening. This law is left over from the days before electricity, when a man could wind up married to the wrong woman, thanks to the candlelight, the bridal veil, and a sneaky family. If you remain too long in fairy tale love mode, you could end up getting married “in the dark.” You will be doing yourself and your fiancé a huge favor if you turn the lights on now, even if you’re uncomfortable, rather than years down the road, when you could end up disappointed and disillusioned. As a marriage counselor, every day I see couples who are disconnected and living separate lives, because for years they’ve kept their real selves in the dark.

Most likely you agree completely with what I’m saying. And yet, it still might be tough to step out of fairy tale love mode. Here are some ideas that might help you.

It’s important to realize that being “made for each other,” is a small part of what will make your marriage successful. Even if you could find someone who was 99% identical to you, that 1% of difference will come to feel like a sizable challenge. Ask anyone who’s been married more than a few years! And there’s no such thing as effortless understanding, no matter how similar you are. People are far too complicated for that, not to mention that they are constantly changing.

For a happy marriage, you need to learn to handle your differences wisely. That means believing that you and your partner can have different ways of thinking and living that are equally valuable. Even more than believing, it means being able to act on this belief in every day life and not fall into the common traps of impatience, criticism, put downs, or trying to make your partner be more like you.

Handling differences wisely also means looking for ways in which your partner’s differences can enrich your life. And ideally, it means using those moments that are most challenging for you as opportunities to look inside and strengthen your own character. That’s when you really strike relationship gold. This is how you turn fairy tale love into real love.
The first step to handling differences wisely is to acknowledge they exist. So, the next time you and your fiancé see things differently, resist the pull of fairy tale love mode. Bring your true self out into the light and take a step toward real love. Do your marriage a favor. Rock the boat!

“I thought our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple would be so special,” sighed Shelley to her best friend Kate. “But instead, it’s like he already just takes me for granted.”

” What happened? Did he forget?” asked Kate.

” No, he brought me flowers and a card and then we just had an ordinary night. I was thinking a nice dinner, maybe theatre tickets, something really romantic. Since he didn’t say anything, I thought it was going to be a surprise—but not this kind of surprise!”

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for a romantic date, flowers, and “just us” time. And as Shelley found out, it’s also the perfect time to learn some essential marriage wisdom.

We get married because we think we’ve finally found the person who will make us feel special, loved, and appreciated in a way that no one else has. If this doesn’t happen the way we imagined, we can feel horribly disappointed and feel as if our partner doesn’t care the way we thought he or she did.

Here is where most of us make our mistake.

What it really means is that we haven’t learned enough about each other yet. Here is the truth about making each other feel special.

1. The gestures that make us feel special are different for each one of us.
   Did your family make a big deal out of birthdays? Did they plan parties in advance, build up the excitement, and spend a lot of money? Chances are that this style of celebration means love to you and you will expect the same from your partner. If his family took a low-key approach, he probably will as well. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he “takes you for granted,” as Shelley thought.
2. A wedding ring does not turn anyone into a mind-reader—the only way our partner knows what makes us feel special is if we speak up.
   I don’t know where we got the idea that if he loves us, he will know what we want. The truth is, sometimes he will be tuned into our needs and sometimes he won’t. AND THE SAME IS TRUE FOR EVERYONE. It has nothing to do with whether the two love each other; it has to do with being human.
3. Before we can speak up, we have to figure it out for ourselves. Sometimes even WE don’t know what we really want.
   Have you ever had a bad day at work and didn’t know how to make yourself feel better? We all have. Most of us don’t automatically know what makes us feel nurtured—we learn through a process of self-discovery. And until we do, we can’t communicate it to someone else.
4. Learning how to make each other feel special takes time.
   Taking this journey of self-discovery together is one of the joys of marriage. Think of your marriage as a movie, not a snapshot. It is always unfolding, and becoming and it will be better next year than it is this year. What Shelley needs to do is just open a conversation with her husband. She needs to find out how he feels about holidays and let him know how she feels. She needs to let him know that a special date on Valentine’s Day is important to her. She needs to start with the idea that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate special occasions—there simply are different perspectives.

The key to a happy marriage is not a picture-perfect Valentine’s Day. It is a commitment to learn. It is an attitude of curiosity, discovery, and delight in each other. Learn this essential marriage wisdom, and you will make each other feel special on Valentine’s Day and every day.

Quiz:

• A lot of unhappiness in marriage comes from having unrealistically high expectations.

  True  /  False

• The worst thing you can do for your relationship is to look down on your partner.

  True  /  False

• Compromise is the best way to settle arguments.

  True  /  False

• There is nothing wrong with getting angry with your partner.

  True  /  False

• A good marriage makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise!

  True  /  False

Your score:

Answers:
1. False
2. True
3. False
4. True
5. True

Click on the answers to learn more.

4 or 5 correct answers: Congratulations! You have a lot of insight into the complicated world of relationships. You and your fiancé will reap the benefits as you build your life together.

3 correct answers: You are pretty well informed, but a little more knowledge would be money in the bank for the health of your marriage.

1 or 2 correct answers: Please get some more information—soon! A little reading, a class or some counseling will save your marriage from a lot of needless stress and strain.

Learn more about the answers:

1. No! Aim high! Remember the expression “self-fulfilling prophecy?” We’ve known for years that when parents and teachers expect great things of children, the children deliver. Likewise, when the adults expect little, the children deliver on that, too.

Recent research shows that the same is true for marriages. If you think of your spouse as your ball and chain, that’s exactly what he or she will be. However, if you have high hopes for marriage, those hopes are more likely to come true.

Now, this doesn’t mean that hoping is all it takes, or that by turning a blind eye to challenges you can avoid them. Your optimism must be backed up by a commitment to get the information, spend the time, and make the effort to have a wonderful marriage. Nonetheless, it all starts with your expectation that it will be wonderful.

2. Step one of a happy marriage is acceptance of each others’ differences. It is an unfortunate fact that we humans tend to think that “different from us” = “worse than us.” This is harmful to all of our relationships. It can be fatal to our marriage. Such attitudes as “taking the high moral ground” and “my way or the highway” destroy love. If you find yourself scoffing at your partner’s opinions or taking a superior tone: STOP! BREATHE! COOL DOWN! Remember who you are talking to. Take a break until you are able to speak with respect.

3. This one may surprise you. Compromise is good, but understanding is even better. When your partner disagrees with you, remember that he or she has a reason for it. There is some concern that is very important to them that their plan will address. On the flip side, there may be something they are very afraid of that their plan will prevent. Don’t rush into a compromise. First, make it your job to understand what your partner’s concern is. When you do, you will likely discover you had more common ground than you realized. This takes practice. Your reward will be a deeper connection and sense of unity.

4. Anger is good! Anger is a roadmap that points us in the direction of what’s important to us and what needs attention. The problem is how we express it. For some reason, it is easy for most of us to overreact or underreact when we are angry. We either sweep things under the carpet or we go on the attack. Avoiding issues is a recipe for growing resentment and distance. Attacking causes hurt feelings that can ultimately destroy love. Learning to express anger in an honest AND loving way (We’re not kidding!) is one of the best investments you can make in your marriage.

5. Married people enjoy better health than single people. They live longer, too! Some studies have shown that married people have a death rate that is half that of single people. Not surprisingly, they also have better mental health: lower rates of depression, anxiety and other problems.

Married people also have more money. (How many times have you heard of a single wealthy person?) Part of this is simply due to the power of two people working together on a goal. Perhaps more importantly, you cannot overestimate the power of a mate who has faith in your ability to reach your goals. This faith will sustain and motivate you in times of big challenges and self-doubt. It can make a big difference in your ability to achieve your goals, financial and otherwise. Of course, support of this quality does not just happen by magic. It takes two partners committed to making mentorship a key part of their relationship.

Karen and Jim came to me for counseling because Karen had mentioned the word “divorce.”

“I don’t understand how we got to this point,” said Jim. “We were always the golden couple. Everyone envied our relationship. Our friends came to us with their problems.”

“I think that’s part of your problem,” I said. “You almost had it too easy. You had a kind of connection that not everyone has. In the first few years, things just flowed.

“But it’s a lot harder with two toddlers in the house. Life doesn’t just flow when you’ve got little children. You’re both tired. Karen feels like she has two jobs and that Jim just doesn’t understand. Jim misses the couple time and on top of it, he feels like he’s the only one who does.”

Karen and Jim’s experience is completely normal. In fact, up to 67% of new parents experience sharp declines in the satisfaction they get from their marriage. Somewhere around 50% to 80% of new mothers experience some amount of depression. For 10% of them, it reaches a clinically significant level. (John Gottman, Ph.D.; Alyson Shapiro, Ph.C.; and Joni Parthemer, M.Ed.; 2004)

Now they’ve got the same stresses and strains everyone else does. But they didn’t like being like everyone else. So they didn’t talk about it. And the things they didn’t talk about started mounting up. When that happens, people drift apart. They don’t feel close and loving. Eventually they start leading parallel lives. When a couple comes into my office, it’s easy to see when they’re on this path. They’re not rude. They’re not abusive. They’re very polite and reasonable. But there’s no juice.

As I explained this, tears welled up in Karen’s eyes. “That makes perfect sense,” she said. “But now I’m afraid we’ve gotten past the point of no return.”

Two weeks later, Karen and Jim came back in. I knew right away something was different. They had juice! I was caught off guard, if you want to know the truth. I was ready to roll up my sleeves and really go to work on this relationship. And now it looked like we were done with counseling already. What happened?

What happened was that honest talk had worked its magic even faster than I could have imagined. Karen said, “Once we started talking, our problems weren’t as big as we thought. But when we weren’t talking, they seemed insurmountable.”

I’m not trying to tell you it’s always this easy. Just that it does work. The next time you notice some ‘relationship drift,’ ask yourself: Is there something we really should be talking about? It might take some courage to get started. You might wish you were doing anything else. But in the end, you’ll find it’s worth it. The price of keeping quiet is too high. Just ask Karen and Jim.

“My wife and I need to learn to communicate,” said Tom. That’s what most people say when they call to schedule a marriage counseling appointment. And usually they’re right.
Three weeks later, I told Tom and Karla: “Communication is a problem, but it’s not the main problem. The main problem is that you’ve created a life you don’t like. And now you’re blaming each other for it.”

Too Much of a Good Thing
Like most couples, Tom and Karla got married with big dreams on all fronts—family, home, finances. Six years later those dreams are killing them.

Tom is working at a demanding job at Boeing and attending MBA classes three nights a week. Karla is working part time as a manager at Nordstroms, taking care of their daughters, two and four, and overseeing a remodel. They’re also trying to buy a cabin on Whidbey Island.

They wanted financial comfort, fun with their kids, and time out on the island. What they got was exhaustion, debt, and a relationship subsisting on ‘drive by’ communication.

Karla and Tom are suffering from too much of a good thing. They’re on track with the dreams that are really important to them. They’re just trying to go too far too fast.

Outgrown Dreams
Tammy and Frank have a different problem. They’re chasing after a dream that doesn’t fit them anymore. Tammy has always wanted to stay home with her kids until they went to school.

“Childhood is short,” she used to say. “I want to savor every minute of it.”

But Tammy’s vision didn’t survive actually being a stay-at-home mom with two toddlers. She feels blindsided by boredom and she misses her sales career immensely.

“I worked years to become someone people would listen to and then I just threw it all away? What was I, crazy? I love my kids but I feel like I’m losing myself.”

It Must Be Your Fault
What do these two couples have in common? They both look very much like they have a communication problem. They have become avid players of ‘the blame game.’ If you were a fly on the wall, you would hear: “You don’t care about me!” “You never help with the kids!” “You never listen to me!”

When something goes wrong, we humans have an unfortunate habit of hurtling blame at anyone who happens to be nearby. That means that spouses are at high risk of winding up in the crosshairs.

Karla, Tom, Tammy, and Frank all have their eyes on the wrong ball. They need to stop looking at what the other person is doing to them, and start looking at their life choices. It’s time for a dream update.

Does this sound like you? Then carve out some time to sit down together and consider these questions. (And if you can’t imagine how you’d find the time for this exercise, that’s a sure sign you really need it!)

1. What activity is most important to each of us? How much time do we spend on it?
2. What activity is least important to each of us? How much time do we spend on it?
3. Do we have time to enjoy each other? Our kids?
4. Do we have conflicting priorities requiring creative solutions?

Stop the playing the blame game and update your dreams. Put your heads together and start creating the life you really want to live. You’ll find that a lot of those communication problems clear right up

Last Saturday, I was catching up on some bookkeeping in my home office. Around noon, my husband John came into my office and said, “It’s time to have lunch and STOP WORKING. It’s the WEEKEND.”

“I know. I just want to do a little more so I can feel good-”

“That’s it! That’s the sign of a workaholic! They only feel good when they’re working.”

“I don’t mean that kind of feel good. I mean I want to feel like everything’s under control on Monday morning.”

What’s the matter with him? Why is he on a hair trigger about me doing a couple of hours of work? These days it seems like I can hardly check my email without him bringing up this crazy idea that I’m a workaholic.

Then I stopped and thought. Why would someone keep saying the same thing over and over? Any psych 101 student can tell you that. Because they don’t feel like they’re being heard or understood. Hmmm, so what is it that he wants me to hear?

I realized I could use some advice–from myself!

Remember The Laser Lifestyle article from last January? I talked about how a laser beam focus on goals can work well at the office. But when it turns into a habit and you bring it home, you start to miss things.

You can’t just zoom in on the important parts, because you might not know what the important parts are. Your partner and your relationship are in a constant state of change. When you live with someone day to day, it’s easy to forget that. You think you already know them so well.

You need to drop the laser focus and look at your partner through a wide angle lens. Make that, I need to look at my partner through a wide angle lens. With a sense of discovery. And openness to whatever I find.

When I trained a wide angle lens on John, I noticed a theme.

“I’m going to send you on vacation somewhere where there’s no email.”

“Don’t take it so seriously-I was just joking.”

“You’ve forgotten how to play.”

Now I could see what was the matter with him. He missed me. He especially missed a certain part of me. The relaxed part. The light-hearted, playful part.

How can I give him more of that part? I need more down time. Time when I’m not responsible for anything. I need to take a look at my schedule and decide what I can let go of. It won’t be easy. I’ll have to say no to things I’d really like to do. I’ll worry that I’m not fulfilling my potential. I’ll have to disappoint some people. But the crucial thing is that I don’t disappoint my number one person-my husband.

As you can see, I’m still working out the details. But I’m making progress. Yesterday, a friend called to ask me to be on a board next year and I said no. I think that’s an excellent start. And, as you can imagine, so does John.

Last weekend, my husband said he wanted to see “Love Actually.” What? A man requesting a romantic movie? And we’d already seen it once. How did I get this lucky? Turns out he liked the way the film is upbeat and realistic. But most of all, he loved the music and the powerful role it played in the movie.

In fact, Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” was the inspiration for the entire film, as director Richard Curtis tells us in the bonus features on the DVD. (Love DVD’s!) He goes on to explain how he went about finding just the perfect song for each scene.

After hearing how Curtis came up with Eva Cassidy’s “Songbird” for a love scene, I went back and watched it again. I realized that I had hardly noticed that wistful, haunting song the first time around.

Some of the other songs in the movie pack a punch. You can’t miss “Both Sides Now,” “All I Want for Christmas is You,” and “Love is All Around.” The ethereal “Songbird,” on the other hand, barely makes itself felt. Yet it drives home the meaning of that scene as just as surely as any other song in the movie. You just know this woman is going to retreat from love yet one more time.
So it is with our feelings. We can’t miss the big ones. The joy of getting that job we worked so hard for. The anger of being criticized. But what about the smaller, quieter ones? Like the touch of sadness when we tell a story about our day and our partner doesn’t quite get it. Or the feeling of comfort when you sit together on an ordinary evening and know that you are loved. A lot of the time, they slip by without us even noticing.

But much of our experience of life is right there, in those small emotions. They create our relationships, moment to moment. To see what it’s like when forgetting to notice has become a habit, watch one of your favorite love scenes with the sound turned off.

A lot of couples come for counseling because the sound has been turned off for quite awhile. They don’t feel close. They don’t feel that moment to moment connection that brought them together.

If this sounds like you, you may need some help to turn the sound on again. It may be that ignoring those small feelings has become an ingrained habit and you need some firm direction to break it. Or, maybe you’re afraid. You’ve gotten to the point where you’re only dealing in big feelings, the ones that pack a punch, and you need a therapist to create a safe zone where you can reconnect.

But in the meantime, I’ll bet you can get started on your own. Those “Songbird” feelings are still there. They’re at your breakfast table in the morning. And in the hug when you get home from work. Soft and quiet, just on the edge of your awareness. You just need to listen for them.

Your Questions

Hi Claire,

I feel really overwhelmed with Christmas right now and it just feels like my husband is hardly doing anything. I don’t want to cause a big blow up right now, because I really don’t have time for it! But I feel let down by him and it’s eating away at me.

Any suggestions?

Thank you!
Carol

Dear Carol,

You’re not alone, that’s for sure. This is the moment for feeling overwhelmed, especially for women. Here are some last-minute sanity suggestions.

1. First, do a reality check on your perceptions. You may be doing more of the work. Does that mean your husband has let you down? Maybe, maybe not. Did he agree to some tasks and then drop the ball? Or does he just have different priorities? A lot of times, men relate to Christmas much the way they do weddings-they have no idea how much work it is, or even why half of this stuff is important.

2. Speak up and ask for help. Don’t criticize. Be positive. “Hey, Honey, I’m feeling overloaded. Can you help me with a few things?”

3.If you haven’t been sharing the Christmas tasks equally, don’t aim for mathematical equality during these last few days. That’s way too high a goal. Save that for next year. For now, just take a couple of solid steps in that direction. And get some of the jobs off your plate so you can breathe.

4. Christmas preparations can take on a life of their own, again, much like weddings. A lot of people could cut out 20% of them with no perceptible decrease in fun, togetherness, or meaning. Really. Ask yourself what 20% you could do without.

Best wishes,
Claire

Janet and Nate were on the verge of divorce when they first came to see me. Four months later, they were feeling closer to each other than they ever had before. What turned their marriage around? According to Janet and Nate, the most important change they made was checking in with each other every night about their day.

“We used to let the evening get eaten up with ‘work,’ says Nate. “Did you send in that insurance form? Did you see my email about the taxes? What did the dentist say at Kaylie’s check up?”

“Yeah,” adds Janet, “Now, we make sure we spend some time talking about what was important to each of us during the day. What was interesting? Did one of us have something difficult to deal with? Last night, Nate talked about upping the weight in his lifting routine. That might not seem like a big deal, but it was important to him.”

As Janet and Nate have seen, small moments of connection can have a big impact. Something as simple as a conversation about your day really can make you feel happier about your partner. But as with so many relationship skills, simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy. If you’ve got the habit of not connecting, you know how it takes on a life of its own. Here are some ideas for turning those ‘misses’ into meaningful connections.

You Do Have Time
Does this sound familiar? “We just don’t have time to sit down and talk the way we used to.” Well, you probably don’t. But chances are you’re underestimating the effect just a little bit of time would make. In cognitive therapy, there’s a pattern of thinking called “Magnification.” It means that you see a problem or a task as being much bigger than it really is. Busy professionals can fall prey to this. They’re stretched so thin that the thought of adding one more thing to their plate can seem overwhelming. The solution? Do a reality check on how much time that task will actually take. For example:

Tell each other what was most important about your day: 15 minutes.

Give appreciation for taking care of the shopping, dinner, the dishes: 10 seconds.

Call your partner at work to ask how that meeting went: 5 minutes.

Look your partner in the eye and kiss him: Time optional!

The Drive to Optimize
If you sit down and talk, you might not get the dishes done. Or that phone call made. Or that email answered. Naturally, you want to make the most of every minute, so your household and your life run smoothly. But I’m afraid that when you say hello to a serious relationship, you say goodbye to optimal efficiency.

“I used to get a huge amount accomplished in the evenings when I was single,” said Tara. “Why, I could go to the gym, finish some work, get the laundry done, and make three phone calls. There was no one’s day to hear about, no one’s moods to tune into, no one who needed comforting after a tough day.”

And no arguments to resolve. As we all know, they really eat up time!

The truth is, when you enter a relationship, life gets messier. That’s just the way it goes. You lose some control over your time. This can be a big adjustment for highly productive professionals. If you’ve been resisting this fact of life, try embracing it and see what happens. Leave the toys on the floor so you can chat awhile longer with your partner. It will be uncomfortable at first, but I think you’ll find it’s worth it.

I Thought I Knew You!
When you were first dating, you were driven to find out everything about this fascinating person. Right? Your conversations lasted well into the night. You just couldn’t learn enough about her. Then, at some point, you ‘got the picture’ and your curiosity started to taper off. You stopped paying such close attention.

But the truth is, you will never ‘get the picture.’ Your partner is a living, breathing, growing, changing being. There is still plenty to learn about her. If you doubt it, try this experiment. Go out for dinner together with people you haven’t seen for awhile or don’t know that well. When the others start asking your partner about herself, what do you think will happen? Ten to one she’ll say something you’ve never heard before.

Of course, you don’t have to wait for an evening out. You can just stop, pay a little more attention, and listen a little harder. Look at your partner with fresh eyes. I guarantee you, your partner will feel the difference.

Give It a Try
“I think what happens is that even if you only spend a few minutes, the good feelings spread through the day,” says Nate. “And then you want spend more time together. And when you really want to be together, you make the time. That’s when you really feel a change in your relationship.”

Your Questions

I get emails about communication and relationship problems from around the country–from all over the world, actually. Starting this month, I’ll answer one question in this newsletter. If you’d like me to write a short article addressing your concern, just reply to this email and tell me what’s on your mind. And don’t worry, I would never use your real name unless you specified that you wanted me to.

Here’s the question for November:

Hi Claire,

My fiancé and I are starting to talk about marriage. When would be a good time to do some pre-marital counseling?

Thanks!
Jill B.

Dear Jill,

I applaud you for thinking about this early on. Here are some good times to consider counseling:

1. The two of you are having trouble moving forward and making a commitment.

2. One of you feels ready for marriage and the other is not.

3. You feel like, “This is the perfect person for me. If only he could change this one little thing.”

4. You have become engaged and want marriage preparation to keep small problems from becoming big problems.

5. You are engaged and you find yourself in “the emotional cocktail.” The prospect of marriage has triggered more feelings than you can sort out on your own.

6. And of course, counseling is always a good idea if you’re having second thoughts. Feelings of doubt can be very quiet and easily lost in the wedding momentum. At any point along the way, if either of you have questions about whether you’re ready for marriage, run–do not walk–to the phone, and give me a call.

I wish you the best,

Claire