This is the perfect time to commit to getting reacquainted with your spouse.

Unless there’s no need for that. Maybe you’re that couple who lolls over the papers together on Saturday morning, then goes off for a game of golf or tennis, and wraps up the day with a romantic dinner. If so, congratulations! You’re beating the odds. It’s much more common for couples these days to feel like Shari and Craig.

“We can go for two weeks without having a conversation about anything besides operations,” Shari told me. “After school I drive the kids to their activities, we grab dinner and then it’s supervise homework and bedtime.”

Craig added, “Twice a week there’s a practice that goes later. And on weekends, they always have games. Sometimes we can tag team so each of us gets a chance to go to the gym. We used to love to work out together, but that hasn’t happened in a couple of years.”

To Shari and Craig, their life feels like a runaway train.

The best they can do is hold on tight and try not to fall off. But slowing it down so they can take in the scenery feels impossible. Unless something changes, the end of this story will not be a happy one.

Time is to your marriage what nutrition is to your health. Nothing else you do can make up for it.

It’s not that you don’t know this. But if you’re like Shari and Craig, or for that matter most of the couples I work with, you’re at a loss about where to begin. I suggest you start by asking yourself this question:

What am I willing to give up?

The number of hours in the day will not budge, however hard we push on them. If you crave a closer relationship with your partner, something’s got to go.

Here are some ideas start you thinking.

Give Up T.V. Time
I see this as the low-hanging fruit. We all know Americans are busy, busy, busy. But we also know that Americans watch three hours of T.V. a day on average. My conclusion: we’re really busy keeping up with the Real Housewives and American Idol.

You can cut back on T.V., obviously. But it’s such a time warp. It’s too easy to watch just one more thing, until all you can do is fall into bed. Probably not how you envisioned your life when you were newlyweds. For once in my life I don’t recommend small steps. Just go cold turkey and six months later you won’t even be thinking about your favorite shows any more. At least, that was our experience when we turned off the cable three years ago.

Of course, you might miss those adrenaline spikes you got from listening to talking heads argue about the news. (Just kidding!)

Give Up Some Cleaning
Can I raise my hand to be first to give this up? Hmm, actually I think I already have. My big project last year was writing a book, and one way I found the time was lowering my standards around the house. Yes, this took mental effort. I’m kind of amazed I managed it because I can be obsessive about cleaning, given half a chance. But a tidy home can’t compete with the satisfaction of doing something with deep personal meaning. Hopefully your marriage qualifies for that description.

Give Up Some Children’s Activities
I know, this is harder. You probably feel a stab of guilt just reading that headline. We love giving our kids opportunities we didn’t have, and there are so many great options for them these days. Those young years fly by. How could we not offer them all we possibly can?

On the other hand, is it possible your kids are already doing more than is good for them? Overscheduling is an epidemic these days. Kids need down time. Not to mention independence of mind and freedom to pursue their own interests.

And having parents who are close and loving, and are going to stay that way, is much more valuable than one more soccer league.

It’s not even a contest.

Of course, what’s expendable to you will be different than what’s expendable to me. The point is to take a clear-eyed look at how your time priorities affect your marriage.

Sometimes I ask couples what to give up as their weekly homework assignment. I remember one couple who came back a week later and said, “Well, we’ve looked at all our commitments and we don’t want to give up anything.”

I totally sympathize. It is really tough. But just realize that there really is no such thing as “not giving up anything.” Something will give. Just be sure that something is not a rock solid connection with the most important person in your life.

For me, it would have to be when my husband is unhappy with me, for whatever reason.

I like to feel wrapped in a nice, warm blanket of approval and admiration.

Would adoration be asking too much? And when I look in his eyes and see something very different, it can be painful.

When would that be? When he thinks I’m not really listening to him talk about his work, that’s a big one. We have a ‘mixed marriage,’ remember—software programmer/therapist. I have been accused of organizing my calendar or my grocery shopping in my mind while he tells me about his day. Which is not true. I am trying.

The truth is I really like having a partner who works in a completely different field.

It broadens my world. But when it comes to operating systems, devices, and the cloud, listening and understanding are not always synonymous. So, I’m sure I do look a little glazed sometimes.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Getting stressed out when my husband is upset with me, I mean. I know I’m not, because that’s one of the things my clients most need help with. It’s a natural reaction we all have. When we feel disapproval, real or imaginary, from the person we count on the most, it triggers our survival fears and makes us feel insecure.

To a great extent, the quality of our relationships depends on what we do with these trigger moments.

At these moments, our defense mechanism is not our friend. It automatically starts cranking out reasons why our partner is wrong: “That’s so unfair. She’s so critical. Nothing I can do is enough. She doesn’t appreciate me at all!”

Whew! We feel so much better!

But our partners won’t. Whether we voice those thoughts or not, they’re going to feel like we don’t understand, and we don’t care enough to try to understand. They might try harder to explain. They might up the ante and get more critical. Eventually, they’ll just give up and keep their thoughts to themselves.

If that happens, the relationship will drift little by little to a lower level of intimacy.

The spark will die out. And boredom will set in.

But what if we toughen up and stay in the game when a trigger moment hits? And try to understand even if it makes us feel insecure? That will take us in an entirely different direction. Towards more understanding, more closeness and yes, more passion.

To stay in the game, we have to abandon the cherished fantasies we all start with in a relationship. Fantasies such as:

“My partner will make me feel good at all times.”

“I’ll never screw up or let my partner down.”

“My partner will always be happy with me.”

Of course, we all know in our heads how unrealistic these thoughts are.

As our relationship matures, we need work at accepting it in our hearts, too. So that we come to believe something more like:

“It’s my partner’s job to speak to me with respect and compassion. It’s his job to be honest even when it causes discomfort. It’s not his job to protect me from stress or make sure my feelings are not hurt.”

“If I’ve screwed something up, I’m normal. We’re all imperfect and we all goof. And we all hurt our partner’s feelings now and then.”

“If my partner is unhappy with me, once again, I’m normal. I’ll upset him now and then even if he does love and adore me.”

I can get caught up in those fantasies like the rest of them. But when I let them go, it’s such a relief!

I don’t have to brace myself when I hear: “We need to talk.” I don’t have to pedal hard to show my husband how he’s got it wrong.
Even better is the rush of closeness that comes from hearing the truth. The sense of security from really knowing what’s happening in my relationship.

And the connection that comes from taking a risk, working through an issue and coming out the other side.

I hope you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t felt that kind of connection for a long time, you might doubt it’s possible. But it is. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to stay in the game when it’s most uncomfortable.

What’s your take on this? What helps you stay in the game? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you.

It’s not that we want to dwell on the negative, as men sometimes think. And it’s not just painful events that we remember. We also remember our weddings, our anniversaries and our children’s milestones in more vivid detail than our husbands do.

In recent years, scientists have discovered that men and women remember differently because of differences in their brains.

One explanation is that the amygdala, a key region of the brain involved in emotional response and emotional memory, operates differently in women than it does in men.

The left amygdala is activated by strong emotional experiences in both men and women. But the left amygdala is involved in encoding memory for the experiences only in women. In men, this process occurs in the right amygdala. (Stephan Hamann, Sex Differences in the Responses of the Human Amygdala, 2005.)

In The Female Brain (2006), Louann Brizendine devotes a whole chapter to sex differences in the processing of emotions. It makes fascinating reading if you’re interested in this subject.

For example, she reports that another region of the brain involved in the memory of emotional events, the hippocampus, is larger in women.

Now when my husband asks me why I’m still remembering that thing he did three years ago, I tell him it’s just the way I’m wired. And I have to talk it out to get over it.

Another reason for resentment is that women have higher expectations for their relationships.

That means we get disappointed more often. As the humorist Dave Barry says in Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (1995), women basically invented standards and men are just trying to make sense of them!

My male clients often tell me what simple creatures they are. They want fun, companionship, sex and your approval. If they get those things, they will happily put up with a lot.

But we women have a total vision for our lives and how our husbands fit into them. We want intimacy but also time to be our own person. We want romance. We want our homes to look a certain way, and we want an active social life. We want to give our children high-quality attention at all times. When our relationships don’t measure up to our vision, we feel a lot of anxiety. Something’s wrong.

Neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam believe women’s high standards serve as a survival mechanism (A Billion Wicked Thoughts, 2011).

In order to make sure their offspring survive, women through the ages have evolved to be picky about prospective partners.

A handsome face is not enough! In fact, we don’t care a whole lot about handsome faces. Unfortunately, we can’t just abandon our pickiness once we’re committed-it’s in our DNA.

I think one of the bonuses of living with the “simple creatures” is that they can teach us to lighten up, if we let them. Sometimes a beer and a T.V. show is the answer! But we’re still going to have some feelings we just can’t get past unless we talk to our husbands about them. And that means we either learn to get the understanding we crave, or our feelings build up and cause problems.

What do you think? In your experience, do women carry around more resentment? If so, why do you think that is? Leave a comment below and let us know.

Note: This is an excerpt from the book Save Your Marriage: Get Rid of Your Resentment. Want to read a longer excerpt? Click here to read the sample on Amazon or here for Barnes & Noble.

In spite of the bizarre projects that no schoolchild escapes, I’m glad I learned the basics of meal planning, cooking and baking.

I’ve observed that many young people today grow up in a world that doesn’t contain such practical skills, but does have a lot of soccer, football, ballet and theater. It’s a lovely world, to be sure.

However, most kids do not grow up to be soccer players and ballerinas.

But they do grow up. And whatever they become, they have to contend with all the practical and often boring jobs that keep life humming. And many of them do not like it one little bit. How do I know?

Because they come to see me. They’re frustrated because their partners don’t help enough, or they’re frustrated because they can’t have enough fun, or they’re frustrated because life feels like a grind.

It’s not that their partners are slackers or that their burdens are especially heavy. O.K., sometimes they are. But a lot of times it’s just that life has delivered them a “cosmic 2 x 4,” as one of my clients put it recently.

Or as another said, “I guess this is just the way adult life is and it sucks.”

Of course, who doesn’t feel like responsibility sucks at some point?

But I think it sucks a lot more when you first make its acquaintance as an adult. Whether it’s at home or at school, everyone should learn life skills. I would be very grateful to have learned some shop skills like my brother did. Maybe I wouldn’t wander the aisles of Home Depot feeling dazed and confused.

Compared to past generations, both my brother and I got only a light sprinkling of life skills in school. Home ec and shop started falling out of favor in the 1970′s. In the past, the “ec” part had teeth in it and girls were taught how to budget and stretch a dollar. One textbook warns future housewives: “Watch out for the dangers of credit and ‘easy payments,’ and always do the math.” What an idea!

Of course, the most important teachers of Reality 101 are parents.

In the bustle of family life, there always seem to be good reasons not to teach kids how to do chores. They need to focus on getting into college. It’s easier just to do it myself. I want my kid to have an easier time than I did.

I know all about them. This morning I made scrambled eggs for a 15-year-old while she surfed on her laptop. That’s excellent preparation for adult life–if she’s going to have servants!

It’s good for kids’ mental health to do chores.

They might whine when they’re doing them, but being a contributor to the household is better for the self-esteem than being a passive recipient of services.

And it’s good for the parents’ mental health, too. I think over-coddling kids is one reason adults are so exhausted today, in spite of having more services, more devices and more money.

I tried to practice what I preach by asking my stepdaughter to clean the kitchen after breakfast. She wasn’t thrilled, of course. But I just told myself it means I’m doing my job. And I told her she’ll thank me some day, when she’s a competent, independent young woman.

Whether that fell on deaf ears or not, I know it’s true.

The idea of working on my marriage every day feels like a real downer. When you’re going through a time of stress, marriage can be very hard work indeed. But that’s not the way I like to think of my marriage day to day.

Of course, I know we need to give our partners time and attention every day. I’m all for that. Obviously. But I need a different word than “work” to make me feel good about it. And a trip to the past gave me an idea of what it might be.

An occasional pastime of mine is reading old self-help books. I get a kick out of reading the advice our parents and grandparents got about marriage. The other day, I found these bits of vintage marriage advice in my archives:

1883: Study your husband’s interests.

1902: Take your wife on walks and show her sights that will interest her and amuse her.

1911: Don’t make your husband search the house for you. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold.

1940: Make the love you have found and which means so much to both of you your religion. This is the tonic that keeps both young.

Now that last one makes me feel like a bit of a slacker. How about you? Actually, I think all of these specimens stand the test of time.

Are you struck by how active these instructions are? They’re about doing, not talking. They’re about trying to make your partner happy. Nowadays, we’re more likely to hear you can’t make someone happy; you can only make yourself happy. Maybe that’s overstated. And lets us off the hook a little too easily.

I like the idea of “being active” about my marriage a lot better than “working” on my marriage.

That I think I could do every day. It reminds me not to just passively putter along. Which we all know is so easy to do when you get comfortable with each other.

And maybe I should encourage my clients to be more active, too.

If you know me, you know I focus a lot on understanding your own desires, especially emotional desires. Everything that happens in your relationship starts with a desire. Everything in your life, for that matter, but let me try to stay “on topic” here.

In order for your partner to really know you, he has to know your desires. And while it might seem like a simple thing, expressing desires is more complicated than it looks. It’s easy to feel like you’re saying what you want when you’re actually criticizing or complaining.

Making a simple, honest request without some kind of negative spin or hidden message is an art.

I see this as one of the skills we have to learn to have a modern, post-1970′s marriage. We want to connect as individuals, not just do our duty as society prescribes it for us. And you can’t do that without communicating about desires.

But in my pursuit of the new, emotionally connected marriage, maybe I’ve neglected something old but important.

Taking action. Doing those things we know will fulfill our partner’s desires. And yes, even trying to make our partners happy.

 At some point in that process, a blob of Adams crunchy-style found its way to the floor.

“You drive me insane!” I cried. “When you’re cooking a whole meal, I understand. But that was a 15-second operation. It was like watching Penn and Teller. How do you DO that?”

Now, whenever I do something the slightest bit annoying, John will rush at me with a crazed expression and roar, “YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!”

Okay, I overreacted.

It was kind of embarrassing, actually. Clearly, I needed a way to find a little more patience when John does those things. Splashing food around the kitchen being one.

I mean, you can say how you feel, you can negotiate, and you can problem-solve, but sometimes you just have to let go and cut your partner some slack, right?

I offer these tips to help you feel a little less insane the next time your partner does that thing he does, whatever it may be.

Tip 1: Get it, really get it, that you’re sharing your space.

This should be obvious. But at the gut level, most people are not ready for this. You probably envisioned your life, just as it was, and your house, just the way you like it. Into this picture you inserted your partner. She would enhance it, but not fundamentally change it.

(If you’re a woman you pictured him just as well-groomed as he was when you were dating. If you’re a man you pictured her just as lusty as she was when you were dating.)

But you were dismayed to find out your partner came with more than his wonderful inner qualities that you fell in love with.

He brought his constellation of habits, possessions, and his own atmosphere.

He brought books and model planes and a vintage radio collection, and of course, computer equipment and wires, always more wires. And he thinks the natural place for his gadgets is the living room!

She brought books and art objects and handbags and cosmetics, and clothes, always more clothes. And she thinks the natural place for her cosmetics is all over the bathroom counter!

Of course, you’re always trying to find those creative compromises, but you have to accept that the atmosphere your partner brings will always be there.

Tip 2: Remember your partner is just trying to feel comfy.

Maybe she insists all civilized families return the kitchen to a pristine state immediately after dinner. But you think that’s a good way to spoil a nice meal. You’d rather wash up just before bed, or the next morning.

(Or vice versa. Because if you’re a tidy man, you’re sure to fall in love with a woman who also plays against type, right?)

Why does she have to leap up and start bustling around when you were having your first relaxed conversation of the day together?

It’s so easy to ridicule her: “She’s neat freak.” Or feel like she’s doing something to you.

But most likely she’s just trying to make herself comfortable. We each have a style of homemaking that makes us feel at ease, just like we have style of dressing that suits us.

Doing things differently at home can feel like wearing a shirt that’s too small for you. Or too preppy for your taste. Or too something. It just feels wrong.

It’s good to remember that trying to make herself comfortable is a reflex for her, just like it is for you.

Tip 3: Instead of outraged, try affectionately annoyed.

Sometimes I tease John and tell him he’s like a villain from “Batman.” “It’s not the Joker, it’s not the Riddler-no, it’s the SPLASHER!”

He might enjoy this or not, depending on his mood. Sometimes it’s best to keep this a private strategy. It will still lighten me up.

As far as I know, John doesn’t use this strategy to help him cope with me. If he did, I wonder which villain I would be? Maybe I don’t want to know.

In my wiser moments, I see that being driven insane occasionally is the price of living with a brilliant, creative man.

When John spills something, I try to remember he’s probably working out a tough problem in his head. Life with him is always interesting. Compared to the conversations we have, what are a few sticky bits here and there?

I hope these tips help you lighten up a bit, feel more forgiving of your partner’s foibles and maybe feel more appreciative of what you have. And do try not to tell her she drives you insane.

You know you need to clear the air, but how? If it’s been more than a week or so, you feel awkward going back and saying, “By the way, there’s this thing you did that you probably don’t even remember, but it still bothers me.“

“I really resent having to do all the work for the Kim’s party last month,” said Terry. “I had to come up with the ideas and pull the whole thing together. I’d like to enjoy the kids’ parties but it’s hard when I feel like things are so unfair.”

Terry knows her feelings are not going to go away on their own. But it feels so negative to start talking about something that’s over a month old. She really dislikes negative people. And she definitely doesn’t want to start a fight. A couple of times she psyched herself up for it, but then her husband had to work late, or one of the kids needed help with homework and it just never happened.

Sound familiar?

The trouble is, when resentments fossilize, they drive a wedge between you. If you let them build up, you’ll find you start drifting apart. Keeping silent almost always causes more harm than the original issue ever would have. In fact, it’s the number one relationship killer. I can always tell when a couple walks in with this problem because of the lifeless feeling between them.

You probably have a good idea of the dangers already. In our self-help culture, here’s a lot of talk about how destructive not talking is! But just knowing this doesn’t show you how to get unstuck and move forward.

When you’re afraid to break the ice, or for that matter, afraid of anything in your life, you need small steps. Ask yourself: What’s the smallest step I could take to open things up between us?

This idea might not feel natural. When your resentment is big (and growing) you can get into an all or nothing mindset: Either I keep quiet or let it blow. And if you don’t quite feel entitled to speak up, you might unconsciously work yourself into a fury to get yourself over the hump.

Another pitfall is feeling like you have to say everything perfectly. You have to make a water-tight case for your position in order to feel justified in advocating for yourself. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you put it off!

Often the best small step is to name what you see going on, before you even get into what’s bothering you:

“We haven’t been talking much this week, have we?”

This way you’re inviting your partner to address any issues he might have, too. If you’re frustrated, he’s probably frustrated, too. Of course, you have make good on your offer. If you’ve been chewing on your feelings for awhile, it might come as a shock that your partner has complaints about you, too! And even if he’s unaware there’s any issue, it’s still a winning approach.

Then you can go a half-step further:

“I’ve been pretty frustrated and my guess is you’re not feeling great, either.”

When you do bring up your issue, mention your fears as well.

For Terry, it went like this:

“I have some things I want to say about how Kim’s party went. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m holding a grudge because I’m still thinking about it. I haven’t said anything before because I was afraid we’d end up in a fight. I hope we can just have a good conversation about it.”

It will be hard for your partner not to feel at least some concern for you.

There’s no point in planning what you’re going to say beyond this point, because who knows how your conversation will go? Not the way you imagined, usually. That’s another way people work themselves into an aggressive mode, by planning out the whole conversation.

After you float your invitation, do your best to be patient and allow the conversation to unfold. When you’re uncomfortable, you want to wrap things up as soon as you can and get onto something more pleasant. Plus, if you’re a high-achiever like so many of my clients, moving fast is just your mode. But when you’re tending to the business of emotions, forget about trying to close the deal quickly. A slow pace creates the safety that emotions need to show themselves.

“Knowing I didn’t have to get to the bottom of everything in one sitting was a big help,” said Terry. “It brought a lot of relief to both of us just to open the door a little bit. We feel a little closer, and not so adversarial. We’re still figuring things out, but at least now we’re playing on the same team.”

In marriage, you also search for a prize that’s hidden in plain sight: emotional desires. Support for each other’s emotional desires is the key to what you long for in your relationship: closeness, understanding, and acceptance. And yet I’m sure you keep your desires, at least some of them, well hidden from your partner.

Concrete desires are important to your relationship, too. For example, if you want to lose 20 pounds, take a painting class, or get a raise, you want your partner’s understanding and support. But a concrete desire represents an emotional desire that’s even more important.

Usually, you pursue a concrete goal because you’re after a certain feeling. Think of that feeling as the ‘why’ of your concrete desire. Why do you want to lose 20 pounds? To feel more attractive, experience higher self-esteem and feel more in control of your life? When your partner understands the ‘why’ as well as the ‘what’, and treats it with respect, you feel a strong connection.

I say emotional desires are in plain sight because they’re the fuel that drives you through your life. Say you agreed to be in a study that required you to write down what you were doing every time a beeper went off. You’d almost always be pursuing an emotional desire. Or maybe kicking yourself because you weren’t.

I’m writing this article for the alive feeling I get from creativity, the satisfaction of helping people have happier relationships, and let’s be frank, the pleasure of being recognized as an expert.

Pop quiz: What emotional desire are you pursuing right now while you read this article?

Another pop quiz: As you look forward to the next time you see your partner, are you aware of an emotional desire? Maybe to feel supported when you talk about how hard your project at work is? To feel a sense of adventure together when you go hiking on the weekend? Or to feel understood and safe when you tell him how he hurt your feelings last night?

Whatever your desire is, your partner probably understands it perfectly already, right? Yes, that is a joke. I know he doesn’t understand it! Because you don’t explain it. We start saying, “I want, I want-” from the time we learn to talk but now that we’re adults, it’s not so easy any more. We hide our desires, not just from our partners, but even from ourselves.

Why would we do that? Lots of children are taught it’s selfish to want things for themselves. After years of being schooled that way, people often have trouble even knowing what they want.

And voicing your wants can make you feel vulnerable. Unfulfilled desires can feel like a personal deficiency. They can make you feel weak, needy and lacking, when you want to be self-sufficient and successful. There’s always the possibility your partner will wound you by ignoring your desire, criticizing it or even taking advantage of you.

Saying, “I want” commonly brings up doubts about worthiness. “Who am I to ask for more help around the house? Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I don’t deserve more help because I’m not ________enough.” The blank is for the weak spot in your self esteem that is triggered by the situation at hand.

Yes, desires have a direct line to your self-esteem. The more valuable and deserving you feel, the easier it is to know what you want. And then to express it. On the other hand, it will be hard for you to voice a desire if it’s connected to an area where you feel insecure. You probably won’t think it through like that in the moment. You might just feel a sudden wave of anxiety, confusion or anger, all feelings that frequently come up when a person’s self-esteem is threatened.

It’s no wonder people keep their desires under wraps. And no surprise that people need gentleness to open up about them.

I think children delight us because they don’t have these doubts. They’re all about desire. That’s what makes them live with such intensity. They see something they want and they go for it. There’s no second guessing for a five-year-old!

My stepdaughter evaluates any activity according to how fun it is. “It was a good sleepover-it was fun.” Or, “Let’s not do that, it doesn’t sound like fun.” It’s bracing. Much more so than a debate about what’s expected, the right thing to do, or good for your health! Now that she’s almost 15, I can see other benchmarks like cool, popular creeping in. Not to the exclusion of fun, I hope.

Desires make your relationship come alive, too. The first step is to recognize your own desires. Think of something you want very much, you’re working toward, or that you’ve been trying to persuade your partner to do. Then ask, Why? Why is this goal so important to you? How will you feel when you have it?

Do the same for your partner. What is something he wants very much? Why does he want it? How do you think he is hoping to feel (whether he can put it into words or not)?

If you can start a conversation about them, that’s great. Just remember to keep it very safe.

When you bring your emotional desires out of hiding, you find your relationship has more juice. And when you genuinely try to help each other fulfill those desires, you feel supported at your core. You’re helping each other get satisfaction you seek out of life. You become irreplaceable to each other. To me, that’s when you really have a mate.

When you confide in your husband, you can also predict will happen: He’ll tell you how to fix your problem. If you’re one of the many Seattleites who, like me, are married to engineers, you can bet on it. This is not wonderful at all. You feel so let down. You’re sorry you brought it up. You both wind up massively frustrated. Since so many of us deal with this problem, I thought I’d give you some ideas for how to get the empathy you want from your engineer.

Let’s start by trying to see what’s going on inside each of you. You probably feel like he doesn’t care about you. And he’s not giving you what you need on purpose. It’s strange, isn’t it? When it comes to ourselves, we know we have habits that drive other people crazy, and that we blunder and hurt people’s feelings when we don’t mean to. But when others hurt us, it feels like they are in complete control and hurting us deliberately.

The moment when you need empathy is very fragile. It’s an emotional turning point. You’ll either feel a lot better or a lot worse very fast. If you feel in need, reach out, and then get THE LOOK, it really stings.

All partners of engineers know what I’m talking about. It’s that blank or frozen look that makes you feel he regards you as an inanimate object toward which he could not be more indifferent. The first time I saw my husband get THE LOOK we were in his car. I brought up something I was upset about and he stared out the windshield as though transfixed. I tried to figure out what was going on. Was he studying a traffic jam only visible to him? Did he suddenly develop an interest in bird watching?

Of course, I can’t say for sure what’s going on in your partner’s head. But from what I’ve learned from my husband, he’s probably not indifferent, he’s drowning. In feelings. Yes, feelings. Intense feelings. His fight or flight response is flooding him with stress hormones. It’s paralyzing his thoughts. It’s hard for him to describe how he feels, especially since he figures he has a good chance of saying the wrong thing and making you more upset.

Another possibility is that he’s steeling himself against feeling flooded because he’s been there before and doesn’t want to go back. That will definitely produce THE LOOK. If emotional conversations are your natural element, it’s hard to imagine how stuck he can feel.

At this point, it’s looking like a rough weekend ahead.

Where does this flooding come from? Ironically, it may come partly from his desire to be a good husband. He feels responsible for making you happy. Note the word responsible. Responsibility and engineers go together like software and bugs, and the thing they feel most responsible for is their families. He very likely feels unsuccessful as a husband if you’re unhappy.

Secondly, he feels useful when he’s solving problems and move things forward. When his friends bring up problems, that’s what they expect. You need him to meet you right where you are in order for your feelings to unfold and resolve. But this ‘stand still to move forward’ paradox goes against the grain for him. In fact, sometimes THE LOOK means he’s trying to think of an answer for you, so he can feel useful.

Thirdly, he’s an optimist. Talking about negative feelings feels, well, negative. Optimism follows naturally from being a problem-solver. His training has taught him a) There’s usually a solution, and b) There are many different ways to solve any given problem. By the way, this is one reason I enjoy working with engineers in general. When my client comes with an open mind and the belief things can get better, half my job is done. Plus, it’s fun to work with smart people. But enough about me.

With these possibilities in mind, it might be easier for you to imagine how “Just listen,” or “Don’t give me advice,” makes him feel blocked. He feels like you’re saying you don’t need him.

Instead, show him you do need him and how his empathy helps you:

“Remember when I got that awful performance review? You really understood how bad I felt. You made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. It helped me relax and calm down. Then I could start to think of a game plan. And once I feel understood, sometimes I do want to hear your ideas.”

It’s true we often want concrete advice-AFTER we get that double shot of empathy.

And don’t forget to tell him that with empathy, you get back to normal much more quickly, so you can enjoy your precious free time together. Now your weekend is looking up! Of course, now you have another problem: 3-D or romantic comedy? When I get that one figured out, I’ll let you know.