A recent Wall Street Journal article described the growing trend of CEO’s going to therapy. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. They’re under great pressure, they’re supposed to have all the answers, and their ability to communicate with others is crucial. But to make therapy work for them they have to adjust their pace. They have to realize that psychological changes don’t happen at the speed of business.

A lot of my clients have to learn the same lesson.

“When I get home and my wife brings up a problem with the kids, I tend to fire off answers like I would in a meeting,” said Kirk. “I couldn’t understand why she got her feelings hurt or felt criticized. Now, I know that she was wanting to connect and bring me back into the family, not just check off a problem on her list. What I’ve learned is that I have to slow way down when I hit the front door.”

Slow is one of the magic words for relationships. And another one is soft. How you say it is just as important as what you say and if you say it slow and soft, you’ll be amazed at what happens.

A soft voice tells your partner that you care and that you will be gentle with him. A soft voice tends to draw people closer to you and invite them to open up. Think about how you react when a child comes up to you crying. Don’t you automatically soften your voice? Instinctively, you know how to make him feel safe and comforted.

On the other hand, a loud tone will tend to push people away.

“My boyfriend teaches middle school,” said Dana, “and for awhile I was puzzled about the sharp tone he takes on sometimes. Then, one day, I got it. He’s talking to me the way he does to his kids. What a turn off! Now, I just say, don’t use your Mr. Fletcher voice on me.”

Once you’ve mastered soft, try adding slow. A soft tone uncovers feelings. A slow pace allows those feelings to unfold. Think about exploring a new neighborhood on foot as opposed to by car. On foot, you get a much better feel for it. You can see the detail of the plants, the texture of the houses.

If you’re looking for intimacy, set off on foot.Intimacy is about sharing all the subtle ins and outs of experience. Not: “What a rough day. The boss was really breathing down my neck.” But instead: “Dave was telling me how important this project is and my stomach was upset for the rest of the day. It’s always in the back of my mind. I guess I’m wondering if I’ll really be able to pull it off.”

If your wedding is coming up, now’s the time to think about soft and slow. Not only do you need to keep an eye on your teacher voice or your executive voice, you need to beware of your wedding planner voice. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that wedding planning will propel you into hyperspeed just as effectively as work, if not more so. And if you’re like a lot of brides, running on high gear can become a way of life without you even realizing it. It is all too easy talk to your fiancé as though you’re making a quick call to your caterer or florist.

Right now, your priority should be keeping stress to a minimum and staying connected to your fiancé right up to your wedding. You’ll find this easier if you make a conscious effort to switch from switch gears from planning mode to relationship mode. These tips will help.

• Take a breath and just sit for a moment. Let the inner rush subside.
• Approach your partner with an open heart. Commit yourself to discovering him at his best.
• Give yourself time and don’t sweat the small stuff. Many times it’s wise to leave chores or errands undone in favor of connecting with your partner.
• Remember than there are more important things than efficiency. A wedding that goes off without a hitch is meaningless if you’re not feeling intimate with your fiancé.
• After your partner speaks, just wait. This lets him know that you’re ready to hear everything he has to say.

Get in the habit of reminding yourself to go soft and slow, and see what a difference it makes.

Bonus: It works with your parents, your friends, and your future in-laws, too.

Sally knew that she and Mark had different tastes on their first date. But she kept her knowledge to herself. She wasn’t going to create problems in her new relationship.

When Mark said he liked to go camping, Sally didn’t express her first thought, which was: “The closest I get to camping is a walk in Central Park.” Instead, she said, “We used to go camping a lot when we were kids.” When he said he liked country music, she didn’t say, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Instead, she said, “My boss is crazy about Garth Brooks.”

It’s not that she was trying to misrepresent who she was. It’s just that she was in fairy tale love mode. You were probably in fairy tale love mode on your first date with your fiancé. Most of us are on a first date. We are wondering if a relationship is possible and secretly hoping we are “made for each other.” If we are, we will understand each other effortlessly and our relationship will glide forward smoothly. Or so we imagine. When we are in fairy tale love mode, we have a sharp eye for the tiniest commonalities. And we are often blind to differences, or we try to be. We don’t want to rock the boat.
Of course, by the time you become a bride, you are past fairy tale love mode. You are in real love mode. You speak with perfect frankness about your tastes, your goals, your dreams. Right? Well, maybe not quite. When you move from planning your weekends to planning the rest of your life, you are on a threshold of a new dream. Once again you are hoping you are “made for each other.” Even if you have achieved great honesty in your relationship, an engagement ring has a way of transporting you right back to fairy tale love mode.

One of my clients told me that in England, you can’t get married after 6:00 in the evening. This law is left over from the days before electricity, when a man could wind up married to the wrong woman, thanks to the candlelight, the bridal veil, and a sneaky family. If you remain too long in fairy tale love mode, you could end up getting married “in the dark.” You will be doing yourself and your fiancé a huge favor if you turn the lights on now, even if you’re uncomfortable, rather than years down the road, when you could end up disappointed and disillusioned. As a marriage counselor, every day I see couples who are disconnected and living separate lives, because for years they’ve kept their real selves in the dark.

Most likely you agree completely with what I’m saying. And yet, it still might be tough to step out of fairy tale love mode. Here are some ideas that might help you.

It’s important to realize that being “made for each other,” is a small part of what will make your marriage successful. Even if you could find someone who was 99% identical to you, that 1% of difference will come to feel like a sizable challenge. Ask anyone who’s been married more than a few years! And there’s no such thing as effortless understanding, no matter how similar you are. People are far too complicated for that, not to mention that they are constantly changing.

For a happy marriage, you need to learn to handle your differences wisely. That means believing that you and your partner can have different ways of thinking and living that are equally valuable. Even more than believing, it means being able to act on this belief in every day life and not fall into the common traps of impatience, criticism, put downs, or trying to make your partner be more like you.

Handling differences wisely also means looking for ways in which your partner’s differences can enrich your life. And ideally, it means using those moments that are most challenging for you as opportunities to look inside and strengthen your own character. That’s when you really strike relationship gold. This is how you turn fairy tale love into real love.
The first step to handling differences wisely is to acknowledge they exist. So, the next time you and your fiancé see things differently, resist the pull of fairy tale love mode. Bring your true self out into the light and take a step toward real love. Do your marriage a favor. Rock the boat!

In my counseling practice, I work with couples in all stages of life. I see engaged couples and married couples who are struggling with their relationships. Very often these men and women want very different things out of life. I see men who are driven to create brilliant careers married to women who just want them home with the family. I see women bent on building their dream houses married to men who want to take it easy on the weekends. I see social butterflies married to homebodies. They are disappointed that their dreams are not coming true, and they have fallen into the habit of criticizing the dreams of their spouses.

How many of these couples do you think talked about their life goals before they got married? How many devoted time to envisioning their future? If you guessed, “Not many,” you’d be exactly right.

With 20/20 hindsight, they can see that this was a big mistake. Inevitably they say they wish they had talked openly about what they wanted and how they would get it at the beginning.

You don’t have to wait for 20/20 hindsight. You can benefit from the experience of couples who have gone before you. You can start talking with your fiancé right away about what you want out of life.

You can, but you may not. I’m well aware that once the wedding momentum takes off, it can be hard to focus on life after the wedding, even though you know how important it is. I’m also aware that you’ve probably already heard the advice I’m giving you—from books, your parents, perhaps your pastor. Rather than tell you what you should be doing—again—I’m going to help you understand the reasons why you may be putting off those crucial discussions. I’m also going to give you some tips for getting around those reasons. With more awareness of what’s stopping you and some ideas for getting started, it will be easier for you to have the necessary conversations about your future.

Reason #1: “I can barely keep up with everything I have to do now.”

Remedy: Enlist the help of your fiancé, your mother, or a trusted friend—anyone who’s good at keeping things in perspective. Ask him/her to help you do a reality check on your wedding to-do list. First, divide your list into critical tasks, such as reserving a hall, and optional tasks, such as making your own favors. If you’re like many brides, many optional tasks have started to seem like absolutely essential tasks. That’s why you need another pair of eyes to help you see the difference. Tell your helper to be tough! Most likely, you can eliminate 20% of the items on your to-do list; no one will know the difference, and you still will have a beautiful wedding.

Make a timetable for the critical tasks. Then get them out of your head and into your calendar, just as you do at work. One excellent way of getting them out of your head is to delegate. Most likely you have friends or family that would be honored to be in charge of part of your wedding.

While you’ve got your calendar out, schedule some down time. This could be a date with your fiancé, a walk, a pedicure—the only rule is there is no wedding talk allowed. You may find it hard at first, but stick with it. A break from wedding planning will slow your mind down and make you feel more ready to talk about emotional topics.

Reason #2: “I’m afraid we might find out that our goals are incompatible.”

Remedy: Realize that compatibility isn’t usually a question of black and white. Most couples have some important goals that they disagree on. The success of your marriage doesn’t depend on agreeing on everything. It depends on learning to communicate respectfully about your differences and committing to approaching your differences with creativity and an open mind. The earlier you start talking, the sooner you will learn these skills.

Of course, there are some issues of compatibility that are black and white. For example, if you want children and your fiancé doesn’t, all the creativity in the world will not satisfy both of your needs. If you find you have such a conflict, it will take courage to face the truth. Realize that you do have that courage inside you. Your courage actually will grow stronger if you seriously commit yourself to accepting the truth.

Reason #3: “I believe love will conquer all. Things will fall into place as time goes on.”

Remedy: At a conscious level, we all know this is not true. But somewhere deep inside, we may be hanging on to this belief. Get through to your inner self by doing some field research. Talk to older married couples you know. Ask them about the ups and downs of their marriages and how they got through the challenging times. Hearing about their struggles and successes first-hand will help you grasp in a deeper way what it really takes to make marriage work from day to day.

Reason #4: “When we talk about goals, we get into an argument.”

Remedy: Get some communication skills training ASAP. Begin by reading Communication in One Lesson, in the archives of this column. Then pick up the phone and make an appointment for pre-marital counseling. This is a problem you need to nip in the bud.

Don’t make envisioning your future the last item on your to-do list. Figure out the reasons why you’re not making it a priority; then use these remedies to sit down and start creating a marriage that will make you both happy.