A lot of people wonder what happened to the sexual revolution, especially around Valentine’s Day. In a lot of homes today, the sexual temperature feels more like the 50’s than the 70’s.

Since I have a bird’s eye view of this phenomenon, I thought I’d offer up my observations. After all, both men and women tell me their sexual woes all day long. A lot of people, and maybe therapists most of all, make the mistake of thinking that all you need for good sex is love.

When it comes to desire, love is not enough. Desire operates by its own natural laws and the chemistry fizzles if you don’t obey them. What I see time after time, is that married people forget that the path to sex is–seduction.

Seduction Tips for Men

Flirt a Little What do women find seductive? First, for women, seduction starts in the mind, not the body. You wife needs to feel cherished and special. And they need some pampering and playfulness, a zone of relaxation. Flirting, in other words. It’s hard for her to switch from being a responsible adult, taking care of the chores and kids, to making love, unless she first switches her mindset.

Remember how you went about it in the early days of your relationship? I doubt very much that you initiated sex by just reaching over and grabbing your girlfriend when she was trying to fall asleep. But a lot of you seem to be using this approach now.

Seduction Through Housework Housework is directly linked to sex in the mind of a woman, and not in a good way. You probably know that your wife has some resentment over you not helping enough with the housework. Instead of getting into interminable discussions about what’s “fair,” look at it this way: Feeling like the maid and feeling like a sex kitten are mutually exclusive. Ignore this truth at your own risk.

Also, a messy house is an anti- aphrodisiac for a lot of women. That’s why they love to go away for romantic weekends. Relaxing in a beautiful room they didn’t have to clean-now that’s seductive!

Finesse It Once you are in bed, do you know what to do? I’m not trying to be harsh, but I’m sorry, the plain truth is that a lot of you don’t. This is not completely your fault.

Women are less demanding about the quality of sex in the beginning and you don’t need to be as skilled. They get caught up in the romance and the newness of it all, and that makes sex fun and exciting.

But sex with you is not new anymore. Your wife has a mortgage and kids, and maybe more concerns about her health and body image. You have a lot more competition for her attention. You’ve got to really know what pleases her to keep her interested.

Maybe you never got into the habit of talking to each other about what you like. This is why a lot of couples are out of synch in bed. And it can be hard to start that conversation if it’s been off the table for years. But you don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Just a question here or there, and you can get to know each other all over again.

Seduction Tips for Women

Take It Seriously If you’re like a lot of women, you’ve started to treat sex as though it’s optional. It’s not. Taking the 30,000 foot view for a minute, marriage has taken a lot of different forms, but the one constant you’ll find in all eras and cultures is that marriage is a sexual relationship.

You may be too tired to be interested. You may feel distant because of conflicts between the two of you. You may be completely absorbed in being a mom. But just because you don’t have the same desire as your husband doesn’t mean sex isn’t important to you, too.

If you stop having sex, the quality of your relationship will change. It loses some of its color and warmth. Couples who come to see me say they feel like roommates or like co-presidents of a small corporation. Life together feels banal. It can make the enormous emotional work of marriage feel not worth it.

Respect His Sexuality It’s no secret that men usually want more sex than women. And they approach it differently. Stress does not neutralize the male libido. As my husband once said, “If men gave birth, they’d want to have more sex after they had the baby, not less.” And they don’t always need to feel close before they have sex. They see sex as a way to feel closer.

This doesn’t make men insensitive brutes or some kind of lower life form, but women often act like it does. In fairness, that’s because we have had to deal with insensitive brutes. Very few of us come to marriage without having been treated like a sex object. Most of us have some experience with the classic jerk who “only wants one thing.” Or worse-a lot of us have been abused. This makes it hard for us to distinguish between a man taking advantage of us and a man having a different sexual response. But making that distinction is crucial.

Men feel really hurt when women show contempt for their natural way of being. And they feel hurt when they’re not wanted. They might not speak up about it. A lot of times they just go underground. This could be one of the reasons for that withdrawal that drives you crazy.

Be a Little Selfish A lot of guys tell me they are trying very hard to figure out how to please their wives, but the women just won’t talk. You might be a giver, who tends to everyone’s needs except your own. And sex feels like just one more way you take care of your husband.

So speak up a little. You know what you like. You know what your body needs. Maybe you think your husband isn’t interested in your needs. It’s possible. But maybe he just needs a little coaching.

I’m willing to bet you neglect your sensual needs outside the bedroom as well. That can put a damper on your desire. Ours is a very practical culture. We forget that care and feeding of our senses adds richness to our lives, whether it’s with food, wine, scents, massage, or the arts.

That’s my two cents for Valentine’s Day from the therapist’s chair. Do with it what you will!

I was talking to a colleague who has been in the counseling field for over 25 years. She commented, “The biggest change I’ve seen in families is the phenomenon of couples who hardly see each other. Twenty years ago that didn’t happen.”

It’s amazing, isn’t it? Living in America, we have more wealth, education, and freedom than anyone else on the planet. And along with that, more ability to choose our lifestyle than anyone else. And we choose to put our relationships the last thing on our list.

Not when we’re single, of course. Then relationships are at the top of the list. We’re out there every weekend, trying to find that perfect person. But once we do, other priorities take over—kids, work, school, hobbies, remodeling, social events.

The next time you reach for your calendar to commit another hour of your precious, irretrievable time, consider this:

According to Gallup, the #1 goal for most Americans is a happy marriage. That means that if you are married, there are millions of people who wish they were in your shoes.

If you are a turbo-charged super-couple, your partner’s colleagues may know more about your partner’s current joys, pains, and dreams than you do.

Relaxation is sexy. Maniacal multi-tasking is not. You can’t race at 70 miles per hour and then suddenly turn on a dime and feel amorous. The Pointer Sisters didn’t name their song “Slow Hand” for nothing.

Sex after marriage. Does it exist? Yes, but sometimes you have to look hard to find it!

Most experts say married couples don’t have enough sex because of the pace of modern life. Or because they have small children in the house. Or because of communication problems and resentments that have built up over the years. All true. What married couple doesn’t struggle with these challenges?

But there’s another reason for low-sex marriage that I don’t hear much about. This might sound harsh, but the truth is, for a lot of people it was never that good to begin with. I mean good in the sense of being truly physically satisfying.

In the beginning of a relationship, sex might be exciting or fun or sweet, but not really physically satisfying. If that’s the way it was for you, you probably remember that when your relationship was new, it didn’t matter so much. The newness itself lent excitement to everything.

Also, in the beginning, it felt wonderful just to be close and never mind the details. But now that you’re married, you’ve got plenty of togetherness. Sometimes it feels like way too much togetherness. Double or triple that if you’ve got small children. Your idea of sensual bliss might be an entire evening without anyone touching you at all. Or an extra hour of sleep. Under these conditions, sex is not going to pique your interest unless you know it’s going to be really, really good.

“OK, then what do we have to do to make it really, really good?”

That would be the ideal approach. But when it comes to sex, it’s usually not that simple. It’s hard to admit it’s not all it could be. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. And you don’t want to get hurt, either. You might be afraid to find out what your partner is thinking. “What if he doesn’t find me attractive any more?” “What if I’m not good enough for her?” And you’re so busy. It’s easier to focus on other things and let sex take a back seat in your marriage.

Most likely, your worst fears are unfounded. There’s nothing dire going on at all. Any problem starts to look like a dragon when you don’t talk about it. This is especially true of sexual issues because we have such strong feelings about them.

Chances are, your sex life just needs a little attention. That’s why I suggest a very gentle approach. You don’t have to have a heavy conversation about the meaning of sex in your relationship. And please, don’t try to figure out whose fault it is you’re not having more sex. I guarantee you that will not make either of you feel sexier!

Just think in terms of getting re-acquainted with your partner. Ask her what she likes. And tell her what you like in a gentle, positive way. Say what you want more of, not want you don’t like. “You know, I really like it when you touch me right here.”

Breaking a pattern feels awkward at first. Those comfortable married habits have a powerful momentum! Don’t expect a 180 turnaround. Just aim to open the door and get comfortable talking about sex in a loving way. Then you can both gradually guide each other to more satisfying sex. I’m sure you’d both really love that.

The hardest part is taking the first step. That takes guts. Someone has to decide it’s worth it. Will that someone be you?

Announcing the “Rock Solid” Marriage Counseling Program

You talked and I listened! Remember the survey I conducted earlier this year? About what kind of services you want? Here’s what you told me.

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