What happened to the sexual revolution, anyway? I know a lot of my male clients feel like the sexual temperature at home feels a lot more like the 50’s than the 70’s.

As a marriage counselor, I a have bird’s eye view of this phenomenon, so I thought I’d offer up my observations. After all, both men and women tell me their sexual problems all day long. (O.K., they do talk about other things, too!) A lot of people, and that includes therapists, make the mistake of thinking that all you need for good sex is love.

They tend to expect that when they do the emotional repair, desire will come back. Emotional closeness is fundamental. But desire operates by its own natural laws. If you don’t obey them, the chemistry fizzles. What I see time after time, is that married people forget that the path to sex is…seduction.

Seduction Tips for Men

Flirt a Little
What do women find seductive? First, for women, seduction starts in the mind, not the body. You wife needs to feel cherished and special. And they need some pampering and playfulness, a zone of relaxation. Flirting, in other words. It’s hard for her to switch from being a responsible adult, taking care of the chores and kids, to making love, unless she first switches her mindset.

Remember how you went about it in the early days of your relationship? I doubt very much that just reached over and grabbed your girlfriend when she was trying to fall asleep after a hard day. But a lot of you seem to be using this approach now. (So I’ve heard.)

Seduce Through Housework
Housework is directly linked to sex in the mind of a woman, and not in a good way. You probably know that your wife has some resentment over you not helping enough with the housework. Instead of getting into interminable discussions about what’s “fair,” look at it this way: A woman who feels like the maid does not feel like a sex kitten. What you prefer is up to you.

Also, a messy house is an anti-aphrodisiac for a woman. That’s why she loves to go away for romantic weekends. Relaxing in a beautiful room she didn’t (and won’t!) have to clean—now that’s seductive!

Warning to men: a man’s response to this information is often to do one task and expect instant gratification. If your wife has years of resentment over housework, do not clean the kitchen once, get rejected and say: “It doesn’t work!”

Take Love Lessons
Once you are in bed, do you know what to do? I’m not trying to be harsh, but I’m sorry, the plain truth is that a lot of you don’t. This is not completely your fault.

A lot of times in the early stages of a relationship, women care more about romance than sex, and are less demanding. So you don’t need to be as skilled. And newness itself makes sex fun and exciting.

But sex with you is not new anymore. Your wife has a mortgage and kids, and maybe more concerns about her health and body image. You have a lot more competition for her attention. You’ve got to really know what pleases her to keep her interested.

Or, maybe she never really spoke up about what she wanted. Maybe you never got into the habit of talking to each other about what you like. This is why a lot of couples are out of sync in bed. And it can be hard to start that conversation if it’s been off the table for years.

You don’t have to make a big deal out of it. In fact, it’s probably better not to. That can create pressure. Just a gentle question here or there, and you can get to know each other all over again.

The next time you wish for more spice in your bedroom, don’t think: “What’s wrong with her?” Instead think: “Am I being seductive?” That’s when things will start to change.

For too many married women, their sex life can best be described as a sad stalemate. Which is not at all what they signed up for. As one of my marriage counseling clients put it, “I did not get married to fight about sex for 40 years.”

Nor did you aspire to feel like co-CEO’s of your household. But a lot of couples do. Without a sexual connection, life together can feel like a lot of work. Conflicts cut deeper. When you feel sexually fulfilled, it’s easier to let things go. Whether the garbage got taken out or not just isn’t as important as the closeness you feel.

The usual story goes that women just don’t want sex any more after a certain number of years of marriage. But I don’t think that’s true. It’s just that married women wind up with a cocktail of pressures and disappointments that do a number on their desire.

If this sounds like you, you can probably reel off a long list of sins your husband committed that got you here. And I’m sure you’re right about at least some of them. But for now, I want you consider how you might keep the stalemate going. Here are some sexual ruts women tend to get stuck in.

Are You Afraid to Be Selfish?
A lot of guys tell me they are trying very hard to figure out how to please their wives, but the women just won’t talk. You might be a giver, who tends to everyone’s needs except your own. And sex feels like just one more way you take care of your husband.

Or you might have been a bit wilder when you were younger and now you’re just out of the habit of talking sexy.

So speak up a little. You know what you like. You know what your body needs. Maybe you think your husband isn’t interested in your needs. It’s possible. There are guys like that. But maybe he just needs a little coaching. Sometimes when men seem indifferent, they’re really just feeling tense or inadequate.

You might be afraid to speak up because you think your guy is very sensitive about getting sexual feedback. About that you’re probably right-most men are amazingly sensitive about getting some simple information. What is up with that? Do they think they were supposed to be born knowing their way around a woman’s body? I admit this is a tricky relationship communication problem.

What works really well is to be very low-key and gentle. You want to convey the idea that everything is great, just wonderful, and if you just did this one tiny thing right here, it would be just that much more awesome. I have coached many clients to use this approach with many happy results!

Do You Put Down His Sexuality
Men don’t always realize that you don’t want sex because of all the stress you have because it doesn’t work that way for them. Stress does not neutralize the male libido. As my husband once said, “If men gave birth, they’d want to have more sex after they had the baby, not less, so they could relax!”

And men don’t need to feel close before they have sex. It usually works the other way around. Sex makes them feel closer. This doesn’t make men insensitive brutes or some kind of lower life form, but women often act like it does. In fairness, that’s because we’ve had to deal with insensitive brutes.

Very few of us come to marriage without having been treated like a sex object. Most of us have some experience with the classic jerk who “only wants one thing.” Or worse—a lot of us have been abused. This makes it hard for us to distinguish between a man taking advantage of us and a really good man who has a different sexual response. But it’s crucial we learn to make that distinction.

Men feel really hurt when women show contempt for their natural way of being. And they feel hurt when they’re not wanted. They might not speak up about it. A lot of times they just go underground. This could be one of the reasons for that withdrawal that drives you crazy.

Have You Opted Out of the Sexual Game?
Here’s a hard question for you: Have you started to treat sex as though it’s optional? It’s not. Taking the 30,000 foot view for a minute, marriage has taken a lot of different forms over the years, but the one constant you’ll find in all eras and cultures is that marriage is a sexual relationship.

You may be too tired to be interested. You may feel distant because of conflicts between the two of you. You may be completely absorbed in being a mom. But the “low-desire” partner is actually just as responsible for the sexual relationship is the one who wants sex more. And whether you feel it at a gut level or not, you need it just as much.

Sex (make that good sex) gives a relationship warmth and affection. It brings more color and texture to your whole life. It’s a chance to stop the endless rushing and doing-doing-doing and just be with each other and appreciate each other. Even though life is more complicated now, you still need and deserve that kind of time.

Just not interested in sex anymore? More likely, you don’t know how to find your way back to the sensual woman you used to be. Try to kick these habits and might find your passion is still there, waiting for you to wake it up.

Sex after marriage. Does it exist? Yes, but sometimes you have to look hard to find it!

Most experts say married couples don’t have enough sex because of the pace of modern life. Or because they have small children in the house. Or because of communication problems and resentments that have built up over the years. All true. What married couple doesn’t struggle with these challenges?

But there’s another reason for low-sex marriage that I don’t hear much about. This might sound harsh, but the truth is, for a lot of people it was never that good to begin with. I mean good in the sense of being truly physically satisfying.

In the beginning of a relationship, sex might be exciting or fun or sweet, but not really physically satisfying. If that’s the way it was for you, you probably remember that when your relationship was new, it didn’t matter so much. The newness itself lent excitement to everything.

Also, in the beginning, it felt wonderful just to be close and never mind the details. But now that you’re married, you’ve got plenty of togetherness. Sometimes it feels like way too much togetherness. Double or triple that if you’ve got small children. Your idea of sensual bliss might be an entire evening without anyone touching you at all. Or an extra hour of sleep. Under these conditions, sex is not going to pique your interest unless you know it’s going to be really, really good.

“OK, then what do we have to do to make it really, really good?”

That would be the ideal approach. But when it comes to sex, it’s usually not that simple. It’s hard to admit it’s not all it could be. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. And you don’t want to get hurt, either. You might be afraid to find out what your partner is thinking. “What if he doesn’t find me attractive any more?” “What if I’m not good enough for her?” And you’re so busy. It’s easier to focus on other things and let sex take a back seat in your marriage.

Most likely, your worst fears are unfounded. There’s nothing dire going on at all. Any problem starts to look like a dragon when you don’t talk about it. This is especially true of sexual issues because we have such strong feelings about them.

Chances are, your sex life just needs a little attention. That’s why I suggest a very gentle approach. You don’t have to have a heavy conversation about the meaning of sex in your relationship. And please, don’t try to figure out whose fault it is you’re not having more sex. I guarantee you that will not make either of you feel sexier!

Just think in terms of getting re-acquainted with your partner. Ask her what she likes. And tell her what you like in a gentle, positive way. Say what you want more of, not want you don’t like. “You know, I really like it when you touch me right here.”

Breaking a pattern feels awkward at first. Those comfortable married habits have a powerful momentum! Don’t expect a 180 turnaround. Just aim to open the door and get comfortable talking about sex in a loving way. Then you can both gradually guide each other to more satisfying sex. I’m sure you’d both really love that.

The hardest part is taking the first step. That takes guts. Someone has to decide it’s worth it. Will that someone be you?
e.