It’s not that we want to dwell on the negative, as men sometimes think. And it’s not just painful events that we remember. We also remember our weddings, our anniversaries and our children’s milestones in more vivid detail than our husbands do.

In recent years, scientists have discovered that men and women remember differently because of differences in their brains.

One explanation is that the amygdala, a key region of the brain involved in emotional response and emotional memory, operates differently in women than it does in men.

The left amygdala is activated by strong emotional experiences in both men and women. But the left amygdala is involved in encoding memory for the experiences only in women. In men, this process occurs in the right amygdala. (Stephan Hamann, Sex Differences in the Responses of the Human Amygdala, 2005.)

In The Female Brain (2006), Louann Brizendine devotes a whole chapter to sex differences in the processing of emotions. It makes fascinating reading if you’re interested in this subject.

For example, she reports that another region of the brain involved in the memory of emotional events, the hippocampus, is larger in women.

Now when my husband asks me why I’m still remembering that thing he did three years ago, I tell him it’s just the way I’m wired. And I have to talk it out to get over it.

Another reason for resentment is that women have higher expectations for their relationships.

That means we get disappointed more often. As the humorist Dave Barry says in Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (1995), women basically invented standards and men are just trying to make sense of them!

My male clients often tell me what simple creatures they are. They want fun, companionship, sex and your approval. If they get those things, they will happily put up with a lot.

But we women have a total vision for our lives and how our husbands fit into them. We want intimacy but also time to be our own person. We want romance. We want our homes to look a certain way, and we want an active social life. We want to give our children high-quality attention at all times. When our relationships don’t measure up to our vision, we feel a lot of anxiety. Something’s wrong.

Neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam believe women’s high standards serve as a survival mechanism (A Billion Wicked Thoughts, 2011).

In order to make sure their offspring survive, women through the ages have evolved to be picky about prospective partners.

A handsome face is not enough! In fact, we don’t care a whole lot about handsome faces. Unfortunately, we can’t just abandon our pickiness once we’re committed-it’s in our DNA.

I think one of the bonuses of living with the “simple creatures” is that they can teach us to lighten up, if we let them. Sometimes a beer and a T.V. show is the answer! But we’re still going to have some feelings we just can’t get past unless we talk to our husbands about them. And that means we either learn to get the understanding we crave, or our feelings build up and cause problems.

What do you think? In your experience, do women carry around more resentment? If so, why do you think that is? Leave a comment below and let us know.

Note: This is an excerpt from the book Save Your Marriage: Get Rid of Your Resentment. Want to read a longer excerpt? Click here to read the sample on Amazon or here for Barnes & Noble.

You know you need to clear the air, but how? If it’s been more than a week or so, you feel awkward going back and saying, “By the way, there’s this thing you did that you probably don’t even remember, but it still bothers me.“

“I really resent having to do all the work for the Kim’s party last month,” said Terry. “I had to come up with the ideas and pull the whole thing together. I’d like to enjoy the kids’ parties but it’s hard when I feel like things are so unfair.”

Terry knows her feelings are not going to go away on their own. But it feels so negative to start talking about something that’s over a month old. She really dislikes negative people. And she definitely doesn’t want to start a fight. A couple of times she psyched herself up for it, but then her husband had to work late, or one of the kids needed help with homework and it just never happened.

Sound familiar?

The trouble is, when resentments fossilize, they drive a wedge between you. If you let them build up, you’ll find you start drifting apart. Keeping silent almost always causes more harm than the original issue ever would have. In fact, it’s the number one relationship killer. I can always tell when a couple walks in with this problem because of the lifeless feeling between them.

You probably have a good idea of the dangers already. In our self-help culture, here’s a lot of talk about how destructive not talking is! But just knowing this doesn’t show you how to get unstuck and move forward.

When you’re afraid to break the ice, or for that matter, afraid of anything in your life, you need small steps. Ask yourself: What’s the smallest step I could take to open things up between us?

This idea might not feel natural. When your resentment is big (and growing) you can get into an all or nothing mindset: Either I keep quiet or let it blow. And if you don’t quite feel entitled to speak up, you might unconsciously work yourself into a fury to get yourself over the hump.

Another pitfall is feeling like you have to say everything perfectly. You have to make a water-tight case for your position in order to feel justified in advocating for yourself. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you put it off!

Often the best small step is to name what you see going on, before you even get into what’s bothering you:

“We haven’t been talking much this week, have we?”

This way you’re inviting your partner to address any issues he might have, too. If you’re frustrated, he’s probably frustrated, too. Of course, you have make good on your offer. If you’ve been chewing on your feelings for awhile, it might come as a shock that your partner has complaints about you, too! And even if he’s unaware there’s any issue, it’s still a winning approach.

Then you can go a half-step further:

“I’ve been pretty frustrated and my guess is you’re not feeling great, either.”

When you do bring up your issue, mention your fears as well.

For Terry, it went like this:

“I have some things I want to say about how Kim’s party went. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m holding a grudge because I’m still thinking about it. I haven’t said anything before because I was afraid we’d end up in a fight. I hope we can just have a good conversation about it.”

It will be hard for your partner not to feel at least some concern for you.

There’s no point in planning what you’re going to say beyond this point, because who knows how your conversation will go? Not the way you imagined, usually. That’s another way people work themselves into an aggressive mode, by planning out the whole conversation.

After you float your invitation, do your best to be patient and allow the conversation to unfold. When you’re uncomfortable, you want to wrap things up as soon as you can and get onto something more pleasant. Plus, if you’re a high-achiever like so many of my clients, moving fast is just your mode. But when you’re tending to the business of emotions, forget about trying to close the deal quickly. A slow pace creates the safety that emotions need to show themselves.

“Knowing I didn’t have to get to the bottom of everything in one sitting was a big help,” said Terry. “It brought a lot of relief to both of us just to open the door a little bit. We feel a little closer, and not so adversarial. We’re still figuring things out, but at least now we’re playing on the same team.”

Not all vacations deliver the decompression they promise. But last month’s stay at Priest Lake, Idaho did. After a couple of days, I found myself in a truly remarkable state of relaxation. The resort was remote and rustic. You had to look hard to find something to do out of the water and we didn’t see any reason to make that effort. We contented ourselves with swimming, boating, and jet-skiing.

For hours at a time, I really did forget there might be anything more important to think about besides making sure everyone had on enough sun lotion and reading my chick-lit novel. (“Shopoholic Takes Manhattan,” highly recommended if you are in the market for pure entertainment.)

Once back home, I made a startling discovery. There are several beautiful lakes near my house. And I still have my bathing suit. There’s really nothing to keep me from going on mini-lake vacations every week, except my own mind.

It’s not that I never let myself play. But I could do a whole lot more of it. And I don’t always have to have a child along to justify it. Have you noticed that we’re much more willing to do something just for the fun of it, like hang out at a park, if it’s for the children?

Sometimes real responsibilities get in the way. Last Sunday, I really did need to spend most of the day catching up on financial tasks. If I had put if off, there would always have been some back corner of my mind worrying about what was falling through the cracks.

But other times, the obstacles are really just mental baggage. I don’t mean deep emotional wounds, just leftover habits from an earlier stage of life. There have been times in my life when I did need to drive myself hard, optimize every minute, even go without enough sleep. When life balance really had to be postponed. Getting a degree while working full-time comes to mind. If you’ve got kids under five or you’re doing a medical residency, you really don’t have time to take care of yourself.

But that’s not my life today. I still have the habit of charging at the weekend chores with a heads-down, gotta-do-it feeling. But a lot of jobs on my to-do list are really preferences, not necessities. Yes, I need to clean the moss off my roof, but it doesn’t matter if it happens this weekend or a month from now. These days, life balance is within reach. I just have to take it.

I’m pleased to say that last Sunday after I got my accounts in order, I did grab my suit (and a brand new beach book) and headed down to Lake Washington. Not a bad start, but it’s not the same as taking a whole day off. So this Saturday, I’ve cleared the calendar for a whole day of play with my mom. O.K., we’re cheating a little. We’re taking my step-daughter and my nephew with us.

But I do get some credit. I’m going to ignore some worthy chores. My house needs vacuuming and my yard needs weeding. My garage needs a miracle. But I also need to have a summer. After all, there are only three more weeks left in August. If I don’t enjoy the summer now, then when will I?

What’s on your to-do list for this weekend? Take a moment and think-which tasks are necessities? It’s only a necessity this weekend if not doing it will really cause a problem, like you’ll pay a bill late or your child won’t have the right clothes for camp on Monday.

Are you living with the habits from an earlier stage of life? Do you treat preferences like they’re necessities? Maybe you can put off some of those preferences, instead of making the fun stuff wait-and wait and wait. Maybe I’ll see you at the beach.

“Now that’s a silly question,” you’re probably thinking. “I’ve got a report due Friday, 200 emails in my inbox, and a manager breathing down my neck-that’s why I’m still at work.”
You may be right. Sometimes you have no choice. You’re new, you’ve got a deadline, or that’s just the culture you work in. Sometimes it’s the job.

But sometimes it’s you.

If you feel like work is gobbling up too much of your life, you’ll need to assess the demands of your job. But you’ll also want to examine your own habits. Here are three common reasons people find it hard to unhook from the office. Do any of them hit home for you?

You’re Too Tired to Take Break
If you’re really tired, it’s easier to keep riding the momentum of work than to switch to leisure mode. It actually takes mental energy to change gears. That’s why interruptions are so draining.

Does it feel easier to keep reading email than to pack up and walk to your car? You’re probably in dire need of some R & R. And if you’re this tired, you’re probably taking longer to make decisions and get things done. Another reason you’re working longer.

Your fatigue may be clouding your judgment, so you don’t see that it is in fact the problem. Your partner or your boss may see it before you do. If so, try to listen to them with an open mind. If your first reaction is irritation at them for getting in your way, they’re probably right on target!

You Crave a Sense of Accomplishment
It’s not easy to admit, but it’s true: some people are happier at work. They enjoy being productive and they miss that feeling when they’re at home.

When Ted comes home, his two-year-old, Cathy, comes running up to him. He’s thrilled to see her. He gives her a big kiss, throws her in the air, and tickles her a few times. Then he thinks, “Hmm, I better go check my email.” He feels restless. Sitting on the floor with Cathy, he doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything.

But of course he is doing something. Relationships are made up of those tiny moments and it takes a lot of them to create intimacy. If Ted rides out that discomfort and hangs out with Cathy a little longer, a year down the road he’ll have a much closer relationship with her.

You’ve Got Problems at Home
Maybe it’s not the work that is calling you, but the lure of a safe haven.

Al and Susan haven’t been getting along for several months now. Tension in the house is high and arguments come out of nowhere. They explain the same things to each other over and over-and over-but nothing gets resolved. Something’s wrong between Carla and Neil, too, but they’re not talking about it. Which means they’re talking less in general, and so they feel like they’re in a rut. Unresolved issues are a conversation killer.

When you’re not happy at home, the office can be very seductive. At work, you can make sense of things, feel successful, and get some much-needed acknowledgement. A few more minutes at your desk can turn into a few more hours without you even realizing it.

“Why are you still at work?” is not such a silly question after all. It could be the job. But it could be you. The sooner you figure out the real reason you’re still at your computer, the sooner you can be walking in the front door and giving someone a big hug-knowing that you’re exactly where you want to be.

I feel very lucky to live in a country where work can be more than just a way to survive. Where it can nourish the mind, build self-esteem, and provide what novelist Henry James described as “the most agreeable emotion of the human heart”-success.

But a lot of us are getting too much of a good thing. When work becomes all-consuming, the rest of our lives suffer, including our sense of well-being and our relationships.

I see the price of work/home imbalance in my office every day. That’s why I’m devoting three issues of this newsletter to ideas for getting back in balance, so you can get more enjoyment from both your family and your work.

Today, I’m looking at the problems that come up when work culture leaks into home culture, and what you can do about them.

The Laser Lifestyle

Sometimes, it’s good to be out of touch with your feelings. Yes, I did say that! Take, for example, emergencies. If you’ve watched a T.V. show like ER, you’ve seen this scene many times: A distraught relative causes havoc in the emergency room. He has to be physically removed so the doctors and nurses can do their jobs.

There’s no room for feelings in the ER. Every second counts and emergency workers have learned how to keep a laser focus on the task at hand. If you’ve ever gotten this kind of care yourself, I don’t have to tell you what an awesome skill it is. But it can also turn into an occupational hazard. Emergency workers often lose their ability to relax and reconnect with their feelings when their shift is over. The laser focus turns into the laser lifestyle.

The laser lifestyle is not just for emergency workers. It’s an occupational hazard for a lot of high- achievers these days. Their pace is fast and their adrenaline high, at home as well as work. They don’t look left or right. They work single-mindedly to check off their goals as efficiently as possible. I call this ‘the drive to optimize.’

If you’ve adopted the laser lifestyle, chances are you’ve noticed a change in your marriage or primary relationship.

Relationships languish under the laser focus. They need something more like a wide-angle lens. They need you to be open to whatever comes up. Intimacy can’t be optimized. It unfolds at its own pace.

Think of the mindset you have when you’re a tourist in a foreign country. You go strolling through town, just looking around, open to following your whims. This is just what your relationship needs. Relationships thrive on an attitude of discovery.

When you think about it, that’s what made dating so much fun. You dropped the laser focus. You looked at your date with a wide-angle lens. You were open to learning new things, having new feelings, and communicating in new ways. You discovered new parts of yourself. It was such a satisfying experience that you kept calling her back.

You still need this kind of time and so does your partner. So try out some ways to leave the laser focus at work. For some people, it helps to have a transition ritual, like 15 minutes alone after they come home, or a short walk or run. You might leave a couple of nights completely work free. No checking email, no going over tomorrow’s schedule. And no planning or problem-solving about family issues, either. No goals at all. Just relax and tune in to whatever’s going on with your partner and kids. Even a small amount of this kind of time will make you feel more in balance.

Bonus: A non-stop laser lifestyle eventually takes a toll on your resilience and creativity. So don’t be surprised if your new wide-angle focus increases your effectiveness at work, too.

Your Questions

Hi Claire,
I think my husband and I could use some counseling, but he is not interested in coming in. Can you give me any ideas on how to get him to come? Or should I come by myself?

Kathy

Hi Kathy,

A lot of people, both men and women, find themselves in your situation. While it would be ideal if you both came to counseling together, the most important thing is to take a step. I’d suggest you come in for the free half-hour appointment that I offer. He may show more interest when he sees that you have found a real live person you feel comfortable with. I’ve seen that happen a lot.

And if need be, start coming to counseling yourself. His view of counseling may change when he sees you making progress on your goals. I’ve seen that quite a bit, too.

I wish you the best with this.

Sincerely,
Claire

Do you dream of relaxing weekends? With plenty of time to enjoy your family? And free time that’s really free?

Sure, you say, but it’s not going to happen anytime soon, unless I win the lottery, move to France, or my boss undergoes a complete personality change.

What if I told you there is a way to lighten your load? A way that’s completely under your control and doesn’t require any drastic changes to your lifestyle?

There is a way-get your inner critic off your back.

I write a monthly column on relationships for the wedding website, www.byrecommendationly.com. On a good day, I turn out an article in ninety minutes. On a bad day, it can take up to ten hours. What makes the difference? Am I just smarter on the ninety minute days? In a sense, yes. On the ninety minute days, I’m completely focused on what the stressed-out brides who are my readers need to have a happier engagement. It’s just me and the work.

On the ten hour days, I have an uninvited guest-my inner critic. The critic adds a voice-over to every task: That was a silly idea. You think that’s going to help anyone? And besides, the article is way too long. Or too short. Too complicated. Too simple. In some way or other, just not good enough.

Now what happens? You probably know from your own experience that if you listen to criticism long enough, you start to believe it.

Remember the movie, Billy Madison, with Adam Sandler? Billy gives a completely incoherent speech, and afterward, his teacher says, “Your speech was so poor that we are all stupider for having listened to it.” After a session with the critic, all those ideas you were so excited about have mysteriously vanished. You have to go searching for them all over again and get back on task-until the next monologue starts up.

Imagine going back and forth like this all day. Then you go home and your partner asks, “How was your day?” You say, “Terrible! I’m exhausted! Just whipped to a frazzle! This project is a real bear and my boss is breathing down my neck all day. I don’t know how I’ll get it all done.” But it’s not the project or the boss. It’s the criticism, working like an invisible tax on your time and energy.

The solution? First, you have to perceive when you’re on task and when you’re distracted by the critic. One important clue is your awareness of time. When you’re really working and “in flow,” you lose track of time. When you’re aware of time, either because it’s going too fast (I’ll never make this deadline!) or too slow (Three whole hours to go?) chances are the critic is afoot.

Get in the habit of noticing those moments when you’re acutely aware of time. Stop and write down what your inner critic is saying.

This is what my client Kathy, a designer, wrote when she was struggling with a website:”I can’t get these colors right. They’re either too bright or too dingy. I’ve never been that good at color. How can I be a designer if I don’t have a natural feel for color? Maybe I’m just not ready to run my own design business.”

Choose the idea that bothers you most and ask: What’s the evidence?

Here’s the evidence Kathy came up with for “I’m not ready to run my own business.”

“Color isn’t my main strength.” When forced to write it down, she couldn’t honestly say, “I’m bad at color.” It just didn’t ring true.

Then brainstorm all the other possible ways to look at the situation.

Here’s what Kathy came up with. “It always takes time to come up with a palette. It’s like writing a story or composing a piece of music. You usually start with something you don’t like very well and then improve it little by little. My biggest talent is coming up with concepts. No one is equally good in all areas. There are plenty of designers running businesses who aren’t nearly as good as I am. Just because one website is taking more time than I expected doesn’t mean I can’t run my business.”

Seeing her thoughts in black and white, it was clear to Kathy that she was making a big leap from being challenged by one project to thinking she shouldn’t be in business at all.

“My inner critic is a master at exaggeration!” she laughed. “But I’m getting quicker at catching her in the act.”

The result? She spends less time worrying about her work and more time actually working. And she gets home earlier and has more energy to enjoy her evening.

“I feel like I’ve got my wife back,” says Kathy’s husband.

Want to get your life back in balance? First, get your critic off your back.

Melinda is a Post-It addict. Those handy little squares of paper decorate her desk, her dashboard, even the bathroom counter. With a job as an internet marketer, two daughters in grade school, and a husband who works long hours, her head is always popping with tasks she has to jot down before they’re gone forever. The trouble is, she adds notes much faster than she subtracts them.

“I don’t know where to begin,” sighs Melinda. “So I don’t begin anywhere and I just have all this clutter stressing me out.”

We all procrastinate now and then because we don’t want to do something boring or difficult, or just because we’re feeling lazy. But did you know that habitual procrastination can be a sign of perfectionism? That might seem far-fetched, because when you’re the one doing the procrastinating, you feel anything but perfect. But it’s true. Here’s now it works.

Melinda dreads attacking her Post-It’s because her standards for accomplishing each task are so high. In her mind’s eye, each task looms much larger than it really is. She intimidates herself before she even gets started.

And when she tries to pick one job to start on, her perfectionism throws up another roadblock. What if she picks the wrong one? What if she starts with something non-essential and forgets about another job that’s really important?

Now she’s stuck in the classic perfectionist pickle: analysis paralysis . If you’ve been there, you know demoralizing it is. That’s when trivial pursuits such as T.V. and the internet start calling your name. And longer you put off your work, the more overwhelming it looks.

Does this sound familiar? If so, here’s how to break out of this cycle. Learn to love“Good Enough.” Your efforts are Good Enough when you’ve accomplished the real purpose of the job. Melinda automatically aims for perfect no matter what it is she’s doing. And for some tasks, perfection is the Good Enough point. But sometimes, you can do less and still get the job done.

Melinda’s current to-do list includes finishing a home page for a new website, sending out several emails to clients, and weeding the front yard. The web page is one task where her perfectionism is a real asset. Of course, she wants it to be impeccable. Her livelihood depends on it. But the emails and the weeding are candidates for a lower Good Enough point.

Normally, Melinda would draft the emails carefully, let them sit overnight, and then proof them before sending them out. That’s appropriate for emails that will become permanent documents. But today, Melinda just needs to update her clients about the status of their projects.

The Good Enough point for these emails means informative, polite, and reasonably grammatical. And as for the weeding, how about defining good enough as whatever Melinda can accomplish in twenty minutes? Setting a time limit is a great tool for perfectionists, by the way!

What’s Good Enough for a given task is a very individual matter. For example, if gardening is your passion, then maybe only perfection is Good Enough for the weeding.

I have to give you fair warning: the first few times you leave Good Enough alone, you can expect your anxiety to spike. Visions of failing or being criticized may dance in your head. For some people, doing everything extremely well is part of their identity as a good person. Doing anything less can actually feel disorienting.

If you feel anxious, think in terms of experiments. It will help you lighten up. You’re not abandoning your standards. You’re just experimenting with different Good Enough points. You can always crank your standards back up again.

But I bet you won’t want to . Once you experience the newfound energy of the recovering procrastinator, it’s hard to go back . All that analysis paralysis is more draining than you realize. It’s huge relief to let it go.

“Aiming for Good Enough really takes the pressure off,” says Melinda. “I don’t have that feeling of dread, so I don’t put things off as much. Amazingly, things run just fine even when I cut some corners. I still have lots of Post-It’s, but at least they’re new Post-It’s.”

Are you cruising the Internet instead of starting that report? Are those to do’s on your list looking way too familiar? It might be perfectionism that’s holding you back. Learn to love Good Enough, lighten up, and start checking things off your list.

Ah, the Thanksgiving holiday. There’s nothing like having a long weekend to relax with friends and family. Now you’re rested and refreshed, and diving into your work with new energy. Right? RIGHT?

If you can’t answer that with a wholehearted “Yes!” then it’s time to sit down with your partner and do a quick Turkey Day debrief.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that a lot of times after a big event, you have a really different view of what was important than you did during the build up. Right now you’ve got 20/20 hindsight about what worked-and what didn’t-for your family at Thanksgiving. Use it as you plan for the holidays ahead.

If you’re like a most of your fellow Americans, you’ve got a date with exhaustion. The Gallup Organization reports that 76% of American adults lose sleep between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Scheduling too many activities was a top reason, along with overspending and family issues.
My husband has never understood why this time of the year is called “the holidays.” “It’s a lot of fun, but it’s not a holiday,” he said. “A holiday is lying on a beach in Barbados.”

Maybe you can’t zip off to Barbados. But you can put a little more holiday in your holidays. Now, I’m not being pie-in-the-sky here. I realize you have obligations. Maybe spending Christmas Eve at your brother-in-law’s house isn’t your favorite thing to do, but you’re going to step up, because it means a lot to your husband. Or maybe you’re stressed about organizing the craft sale at your church, but you wouldn’t think of passing up this chance to support your community.

I’m not saying you should make the holidays all about you. I am suggesting you ask yourself this question: Was there anything I spent my precious time and energy on over Thanksgiving that didn’t add to the experience?

Even though her family helped out with Thanksgiving dinner, Tanya spent two solid days cooking. She made everything from scratch. And her cooking marathon was preceded by several large shopping expeditions, to find all those special ingredients. Did her family appreciate it? Of course they did. But could they really tell if she bought her sage at Whole Foods instead of QFC? Hardly. Would they rather have had less food and more time with Tanya? Definitely.

Two days before Thanksgiving, Angela found herself in Crate and Barrel buying a new set of dishes. This added about four hours to her preparations, all told. Was it worth it? Actually, it was. Her old dishes really had seen better days. For Angela, it was a great pleasure to see her family sit down to a beautiful table. (It also helped that Angela’s husband is an equal opportunity kitchen hand. But that’s a topic for another newsletter!)

What’s important at the holidays is different for every family. Is baking homemade cookies for the school Christmas play a chore or a joy? Only you can say. But I’d like you to take this challenge: Cut your usual preparations by 20% and see if your friends and family notice. Chances are the only thing they’ll notice is that you’re more fun to be with. And you might notice that you’re actually having a holiday.