A lot of people wonder what happened to the sexual revolution, especially around Valentine’s Day. In a lot of homes today, the sexual temperature feels more like the 50’s than the 70’s.

Since I have a bird’s eye view of this phenomenon, I thought I’d offer up my observations. After all, both men and women tell me their sexual woes all day long. A lot of people, and maybe therapists most of all, make the mistake of thinking that all you need for good sex is love.

When it comes to desire, love is not enough. Desire operates by its own natural laws and the chemistry fizzles if you don’t obey them. What I see time after time, is that married people forget that the path to sex is–seduction.

Seduction Tips for Men

Flirt a Little What do women find seductive? First, for women, seduction starts in the mind, not the body. You wife needs to feel cherished and special. And they need some pampering and playfulness, a zone of relaxation. Flirting, in other words. It’s hard for her to switch from being a responsible adult, taking care of the chores and kids, to making love, unless she first switches her mindset.

Remember how you went about it in the early days of your relationship? I doubt very much that you initiated sex by just reaching over and grabbing your girlfriend when she was trying to fall asleep. But a lot of you seem to be using this approach now.

Seduction Through Housework Housework is directly linked to sex in the mind of a woman, and not in a good way. You probably know that your wife has some resentment over you not helping enough with the housework. Instead of getting into interminable discussions about what’s “fair,” look at it this way: Feeling like the maid and feeling like a sex kitten are mutually exclusive. Ignore this truth at your own risk.

Also, a messy house is an anti- aphrodisiac for a lot of women. That’s why they love to go away for romantic weekends. Relaxing in a beautiful room they didn’t have to clean-now that’s seductive!

Finesse It Once you are in bed, do you know what to do? I’m not trying to be harsh, but I’m sorry, the plain truth is that a lot of you don’t. This is not completely your fault.

Women are less demanding about the quality of sex in the beginning and you don’t need to be as skilled. They get caught up in the romance and the newness of it all, and that makes sex fun and exciting.

But sex with you is not new anymore. Your wife has a mortgage and kids, and maybe more concerns about her health and body image. You have a lot more competition for her attention. You’ve got to really know what pleases her to keep her interested.

Maybe you never got into the habit of talking to each other about what you like. This is why a lot of couples are out of synch in bed. And it can be hard to start that conversation if it’s been off the table for years. But you don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Just a question here or there, and you can get to know each other all over again.

Seduction Tips for Women

Take It Seriously If you’re like a lot of women, you’ve started to treat sex as though it’s optional. It’s not. Taking the 30,000 foot view for a minute, marriage has taken a lot of different forms, but the one constant you’ll find in all eras and cultures is that marriage is a sexual relationship.

You may be too tired to be interested. You may feel distant because of conflicts between the two of you. You may be completely absorbed in being a mom. But just because you don’t have the same desire as your husband doesn’t mean sex isn’t important to you, too.

If you stop having sex, the quality of your relationship will change. It loses some of its color and warmth. Couples who come to see me say they feel like roommates or like co-presidents of a small corporation. Life together feels banal. It can make the enormous emotional work of marriage feel not worth it.

Respect His Sexuality It’s no secret that men usually want more sex than women. And they approach it differently. Stress does not neutralize the male libido. As my husband once said, “If men gave birth, they’d want to have more sex after they had the baby, not less.” And they don’t always need to feel close before they have sex. They see sex as a way to feel closer.

This doesn’t make men insensitive brutes or some kind of lower life form, but women often act like it does. In fairness, that’s because we have had to deal with insensitive brutes. Very few of us come to marriage without having been treated like a sex object. Most of us have some experience with the classic jerk who “only wants one thing.” Or worse-a lot of us have been abused. This makes it hard for us to distinguish between a man taking advantage of us and a man having a different sexual response. But making that distinction is crucial.

Men feel really hurt when women show contempt for their natural way of being. And they feel hurt when they’re not wanted. They might not speak up about it. A lot of times they just go underground. This could be one of the reasons for that withdrawal that drives you crazy.

Be a Little Selfish A lot of guys tell me they are trying very hard to figure out how to please their wives, but the women just won’t talk. You might be a giver, who tends to everyone’s needs except your own. And sex feels like just one more way you take care of your husband.

So speak up a little. You know what you like. You know what your body needs. Maybe you think your husband isn’t interested in your needs. It’s possible. But maybe he just needs a little coaching.

I’m willing to bet you neglect your sensual needs outside the bedroom as well. That can put a damper on your desire. Ours is a very practical culture. We forget that care and feeding of our senses adds richness to our lives, whether it’s with food, wine, scents, massage, or the arts.

That’s my two cents for Valentine’s Day from the therapist’s chair. Do with it what you will!

As the counseling session wrapped up, Sandy asked if we could schedule our next appointment for two weeks out instead of one. That way they would have more time to do their ‘homework’ and practice the communication skills they were learning.

“Yeah,” said Sandy’s husband, Mark, “We’re so busy we have to come to counseling to just to have a date!”

For many couples today, their biggest relationship problem is finding time to have a relationship. If this sounds like you, you might be telling yourself it will all be different after the wedding. But will it? Wedding planning eats up a lot of time, that’s for sure. But many couples find that the problem of ‘no time for love’ lingers long after the guests have gone home.

Too many couples today end up feeling more like project managers than lovers.

“Our conversations go like this,” said Caroline. “‘Did you remember to call the insurance agent? No, I’ll try to do it this morning. Should I write the check for the mortgage? That would be great. Can you pick up Derek from day care by 6:00? No, my meeting will probably run late. If you get him, I’ll pick up dinner on my way home.’ We sound like we’re partners running a mini-corporation!

Not only does it take time to have fun, it takes time to have sex. (Hey, someone’s got to say it!) Couples are often puzzled about why sex ends up at the bottom of their list. One reason is that the list is too long! To put it in a nutshell, down time is sexy. Relaxing is sexy. Multi-tasking is not.

People forget how much time they used to set aside for each other when they were dating. Whole evenings just to get to know each other. Whole weekends just to enjoy each other. And there were no bills to pay and no chores to do, because you didn’t have joint responsibilities. Dates automatically felt like mini-vacations. When you share a household, you don’t get that feeling quite so automatically. You have to make a point to create it.

At this point in your life, the ‘chores’ may be more related to the wedding. But you can still get caught up in the same dynamic of all work and no play. And for many engaged couples, their ‘dark secret’ is that they’re so stressed, their sex life has dwindled. (Sometimes I wonder, does this have anything to do with the skeptical attitude a lot of men have about weddings? After all, how many men would raise their hands in favor of more shopping and less sex?)

Whether you’ve been married for years, like Sandy and Mark, or whether you’re still looking forward to your wedding, the time for finding more time for love is now. Here are some pointers to get you going in the right direction.

Be Ruthless.
About setting priorities, I mean. Finding time to nurture your relationship requires a laser-like focus on what’s really important to you. Just because that board is for a cause you believe in doesn’t mean you need to be on it. Just because you love yoga AND aerobics AND weight training AND Pilates doesn’t mean you should do all of them. And just because you get invited to great parties doesn’t mean you should always say yes.

For a lot of under 35’s, the social whirl is intense. They’re living a college-style social life, while trying to launch careers, go to school, maybe even start a family. This manic socializing is partly a way to explore the world—and themselves. As they venture into new situations, they ask themselves, “Is this my tribe? Are these my values? Is this how I want to live?”

If you’ve decided to marry, you’ve found some of the answers to those questions. So you might want to ask yourself, “Do I really want to keep up this pace?” I’m not saying you should forget about trying new things. Just that you may have clearer priorities that you did a few years ago and you might want to trim your commitments to reflect them.

Go Ahead and Say It: “NO!”
To maintain your laser-like focus, you’re going to need the skill of saying, “NO.” For a year, my friend Karen chaired a committee for an organization of small business owners. At the end of that year, she realized that while rewarding in many ways, the job took a lot of time away from more important activities. When the board president asked her to sign up for the next year, she said, “No, I’m not planning on being the chair again next year.” There was a pause and the president said, “Oh, really? But you did such a good job. Why don’t you want to do it again?” Karen answered, “It just doesn’t fit with my goals for this year.”

No reasons, no rationalizations, just: This isn’t my priority. Sounds gutsy, doesn’t it? And it does take guts, if you’ve never tried it. But believe me, the sky won’t fall and people won’t think you’re a terrible, selfish person. You might be surprised to find that they actually respect you more. And the feeling you get when you stand up for your own priorities can be very exhilarating.

Find the ‘Good Enough’ Point
Bob had an “Aha!” moment when he realized that he puts stress on his relationship by his desire to optimize every situation.

“I realized that instead of going to three grocery stores to find the lowest price on every item, it would be better for my relationship if I got home a half hour earlier. I can save that kind of energy for bigger things, like shopping for a new car.”

If you’re a high achiever, the drive to optimize can be a tempting trap. Whatever you’re doing, you want to do the best possible job. The problem is you can end up shooting yourself in the foot. Saving those pennies (or searching 10 different stores for the perfect wedding invitations) eats up your precious time.

If this sounds like you, try asking yourself, “What’s the ‘good enough point’ for this project?” In wedding planning, you may want to optimize when it comes to your gown. A lot of brides have very strong feelings about THE DRESS. (I know—I was one of them!) But it’s worth asking yourself, “Do I really care that much about every single part of my wedding?” Your ‘good enough point’ for favors or flowers may be different. Every time you identify the ‘good enough point’ of a task, you buy yourself time for that part of your life that really does deserve optimization—your relationship.

Create New Traditions Now
Right now you’re creating patterns that will carry on into your married life. If you’re not spending enough time with each other now, I would bet big money that I could drop in on you a year from now and you’d have the same problem. So why not deliberately create traditions that will keep you connected as you move into the future?

One tradition that works for a lot of busy couples is “date night.” That’s one way to get that mini-vacation feeling again. And I know a number of couples that save Sundays for their partners. No matter how crowded their schedule gets or how many demands they have, they always know that they will have that one day together.

Another good way to stay connected to your partner is to develop hobbies together. Take up golf or salsa dancing together, and you’ve just cut way back on the planning. You’ve made having fun together an automatic part of your schedule.

These ideas have helped my clients balance their lives and carve out more time for each other. Why don’t you give them a try and see what happens? Begin now to make time for love, so later on you won’t have to come to a counseling appointment just to get a date.

A recent Wall Street Journal article described the growing trend of CEO’s going to therapy. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. They’re under great pressure, they’re supposed to have all the answers, and their ability to communicate with others is crucial. But to make therapy work for them they have to adjust their pace. They have to realize that psychological changes don’t happen at the speed of business.

A lot of my clients have to learn the same lesson.

“When I get home and my wife brings up a problem with the kids, I tend to fire off answers like I would in a meeting,” said Kirk. “I couldn’t understand why she got her feelings hurt or felt criticized. Now, I know that she was wanting to connect and bring me back into the family, not just check off a problem on her list. What I’ve learned is that I have to slow way down when I hit the front door.”

Slow is one of the magic words for relationships. And another one is soft. How you say it is just as important as what you say and if you say it slow and soft, you’ll be amazed at what happens.

A soft voice tells your partner that you care and that you will be gentle with him. A soft voice tends to draw people closer to you and invite them to open up. Think about how you react when a child comes up to you crying. Don’t you automatically soften your voice? Instinctively, you know how to make him feel safe and comforted.

On the other hand, a loud tone will tend to push people away.

“My boyfriend teaches middle school,” said Dana, “and for awhile I was puzzled about the sharp tone he takes on sometimes. Then, one day, I got it. He’s talking to me the way he does to his kids. What a turn off! Now, I just say, don’t use your Mr. Fletcher voice on me.”

Once you’ve mastered soft, try adding slow. A soft tone uncovers feelings. A slow pace allows those feelings to unfold. Think about exploring a new neighborhood on foot as opposed to by car. On foot, you get a much better feel for it. You can see the detail of the plants, the texture of the houses.

If you’re looking for intimacy, set off on foot.Intimacy is about sharing all the subtle ins and outs of experience. Not: “What a rough day. The boss was really breathing down my neck.” But instead: “Dave was telling me how important this project is and my stomach was upset for the rest of the day. It’s always in the back of my mind. I guess I’m wondering if I’ll really be able to pull it off.”

If your wedding is coming up, now’s the time to think about soft and slow. Not only do you need to keep an eye on your teacher voice or your executive voice, you need to beware of your wedding planner voice. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that wedding planning will propel you into hyperspeed just as effectively as work, if not more so. And if you’re like a lot of brides, running on high gear can become a way of life without you even realizing it. It is all too easy talk to your fiancé as though you’re making a quick call to your caterer or florist.

Right now, your priority should be keeping stress to a minimum and staying connected to your fiancé right up to your wedding. You’ll find this easier if you make a conscious effort to switch from switch gears from planning mode to relationship mode. These tips will help.

• Take a breath and just sit for a moment. Let the inner rush subside.
• Approach your partner with an open heart. Commit yourself to discovering him at his best.
• Give yourself time and don’t sweat the small stuff. Many times it’s wise to leave chores or errands undone in favor of connecting with your partner.
• Remember than there are more important things than efficiency. A wedding that goes off without a hitch is meaningless if you’re not feeling intimate with your fiancé.
• After your partner speaks, just wait. This lets him know that you’re ready to hear everything he has to say.

Get in the habit of reminding yourself to go soft and slow, and see what a difference it makes.

Bonus: It works with your parents, your friends, and your future in-laws, too.

Sally knew that she and Mark had different tastes on their first date. But she kept her knowledge to herself.

When Mark said he liked to go camping, Sally didn’t express her first thought, which was: “The closest I get to camping is a walk in Central Park.” Instead, she said, “We used to go camping a lot when we were kids.” When he said he liked country music, she didn’t say, “You’ve got to be kidding!” Instead, she said, “My boss is crazy about Garth Brooks.”

It’s not that she was trying to misrepresent who she was. It’s just that she was in fairy tale love mode. You were probably in fairy tale love mode on your first date with your fiancé. Most of us are on a first date. We are wondering if a relationship is possible and secretly hoping we are “made for each other.” If we are, we will understand each other effortlessly and our relationship will glide forward smoothly. Or so we imagine. When we are in fairy tale love mode, we have a sharp eye for the tiniest commonalities. And we are often blind to differences, or we try to be. We don’t want to rock the boat.
Of course, by the time you become a bride, you are past fairy tale love mode. You are in real love mode. You speak with perfect frankness about your tastes, your goals, your dreams. Right? Well, maybe not quite. When you move from planning your weekends to planning the rest of your life, you are on a threshold of a new dream. Once again you are hoping you are “made for each other.” Even if you have achieved great honesty in your relationship, an engagement ring has a way of transporting you right back to fairy tale love mode.

One of my clients told me that in England, you can’t get married after 6:00 in the evening. This law is left over from the days before electricity, when a man could wind up married to the wrong woman, thanks to the candlelight, the bridal veil, and a sneaky family. If you remain too long in fairy tale love mode, you could end up getting married “in the dark.” You will be doing yourself and your fiancé a huge favor if you turn the lights on now, even if you’re uncomfortable, rather than years down the road, when you could end up disappointed and disillusioned. As a marriage counselor, every day I see couples who are disconnected and living separate lives, because for years they’ve kept their real selves in the dark.

Most likely you agree completely with what I’m saying. And yet, it still might be tough to step out of fairy tale love mode. Here are some ideas that might help you.

It’s important to realize that being “made for each other,” is a small part of what will make your marriage successful. Even if you could find someone who was 99% identical to you, that 1% of difference will come to feel like a sizable challenge. Ask anyone who’s been married more than a few years! And there’s no such thing as effortless understanding, no matter how similar you are. People are far too complicated for that, not to mention that they are constantly changing.

For a happy marriage, you need to learn to handle your differences wisely. That means believing that you and your partner can have different ways of thinking and living that are equally valuable. Even more than believing, it means being able to act on this belief in every day life and not fall into the common traps of impatience, criticism, put downs, or trying to make your partner be more like you.

Handling differences wisely also means looking for ways in which your partner’s differences can enrich your life. And ideally, it means using those moments that are most challenging for you as opportunities to look inside and strengthen your own character. That’s when you really strike relationship gold. This is how you turn fairy tale love into real love.
The first step to handling differences wisely is to acknowledge they exist. So, the next time you and your fiancé see things differently, resist the pull of fairy tale love mode. Bring your true self out into the light and take a step toward real love. Do your marriage a favor. Rock the boat!

“I know everyone gets stressed before the wedding,” said Sarah. “But we’re arguing so much that I can’t help wonder, Are we really right for each other? How can I know if this is just the stress of wedding planning or a glimpse of life to come?”

No bride wants to be having these thoughts as her wedding draws near. But even though they don’t always talk about it, sooner or later most brides do ask themselves THE BIG QUESTION: Am I doing the right thing?

Whoever comes up with a foolproof method for knowing whether you’re marrying the right person will make a mint! It’s such an important decision and it can be so confusing when the doubts arise. Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast rules. No one can give you the answer. But I can give you some guidance on how to look for the answer. Here are some ideas to try if you’re wondering you have cold feet or wedding jitters.

First of all, you’ve got to get quiet. The buildup to a wedding can be one of the ‘noisiest’ times of life, one of the hardest times to sit quietly and listen to our inner wisdom. The psychological momentum of a wedding is very powerful. You may feel like you’re on a freight train going full speed ahead and that you’re powerless to jump off. But you’ve absolutely got to carve out some time just to think—and even more importantly—to feel.

Many divorced women—and unhappily married women–will say, “There was a little voice inside telling me I was making a mistake. But I was too caught up with the dress and everything else to really listen to it.”

Don’t be one of them. Far better that your menu or your favors aren’t perfect than that you find yourself a year from now—or 5 or 10—saying, “I think I married the wrong man.” Make a commitment to spend regular periods of time alone.

Choose a time when you’ve got at least 30 minutes of time to yourself. Imagine it’s month after you’ve come back from your honeymoon. You and your fiancé are sitting alone together in your living room. There is no more wedding planning frenzy. There is no one to make a fuss over the two of you. There are no more fittings. No more presents. No more events. Just the two of you, in the quiet of your home. How does that feel?

Wonderful or disappointing? Comforting or scary? Intimate or boring?

I’m not suggesting you have to be homebodies for the rest of your lives. Just that the essence of your relationship is the two of you alone. If that picture makes you uncomfortable in any way, you need to be very honest with yourself and explore why.

Now that you’ve imagined being alone with your fiancé, really do it! Go to a park, take a walk, do something with minimal distractions. Strange as it may seem, at some point in the wedding planning process, some couples feel like they’ve got to get reacquainted. This is particularly true if you have different perspectives on the wedding. You may feel like you’ve started to live in different worlds. (See the May 2003 article, Your Wedding, His Wedding, for a discussion of this issue.)

You need to really experience each other away from the hubbub to know how you feel.

Ask yourself if you really, truly, honestly accept your fiancé as he is right now. Many brides are unconsciously (or consciously!) on a campaign to change their fiancés. THIS DOES NOT WORK. I REPEAT, THIS DOES NOT WORK. Yes, you will adjust to each other as time goes on. You’ll get more skilled at compromising. You’ll learn how to resolve arguments more quickly and with less pain. But there are two truths that anyone embarking on marriage must understand: 1) People don’t change very much or very fast. 2) People only change if THEY want to.

Janet had been a sports aficionado since she was in her teens. Team sports, water sports, you name it, she loved it. She especially loved tennis. Her idea of the ideal vacation was—no surprise here—going to a resort with a tennis program. She ran up against reality when she started planning her honeymoon with her fiancé Gil. Gil did not want to play tennis on his honeymoon. Gil did not want to play very much tennis anytime. Gil wanted to go lie on a beach in Mexico.

Janet was crushed. She finally had to face the fact that life with Gil was not going to be filled with sports. He was just a very sweet laid back guy who was not into exercise. Looking back over their dating life, it was clear that while he was sometimes in the mood for an active weekend and she sometimes felt like just hanging out, their pictures of the ideal weekend rarely coincided. Janet needs to stop trying to turn Gil into a jock and ask herself: Can I live with this? Do all his other wonderful qualities, of which there are many, offset this one? Can I be happy doing sports with my friends? Can I sincerely let go of my drive to change him? No one can answer these questions but Janet. And she can answer them only if she takes some time and gets quiet and is very honest with herself.

All couples have “landmines,” those disagreements that are particularly intense and difficult to resolve. They often feel like they have the same argument over and over without getting ahead. Ask yourself if any of your landmines are in critical areas: money, sex, in-laws, children, or career. If so, this doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t get married. What it does mean is that you need to address the issue head-on and start making a plan for dealing with it. Some pre-marital counseling is probably in order.

When you find yourself asking THE BIG QUESTION, very likely your first impulse will be to push it out of your mind. Do yourself a favor and face it head on. If there are good reasons for your doubts, you really will be glad you knew sooner rather than later. And even if, like most brides, you’re just feeling normal wedding jitters, the best gift you can give yourself is to explore them thoroughly. Then you’ll feel sure, you’ll feel calm, and you can put your jitters aside and give yourself over to having a wonderful engagement and wedding.

Overheard at the Seattle Wedding Show…

One groom to another: “This place is wall to wall flowers, and she says she can’t find what she wants! What is she looking for? To me, they’re just flowers. To her, they mean something—what, I have no idea.”

Are there times when your fiancé sounds like this gentleman? Times when he can’t quite seem to get with the program? Times when he just doesn’t understand how important it is to have everything just right? At these times, do you feel like he doesn’t really care?

If you feel this way, you are not alone. To us, the wedding is a symbol of our love and our future. Of course, we want everything about it to be beautiful and special. We also want our fiancés to feel the same way. But the reality is that very often they don’t. Men and women are different. If you are upset with your fiancé because he doesn’t care enough about the wedding details, it’s time to take a step back and ask yourself what his attitude means to you.

The groom at the Wedding Show put his finger on a very important fact–weddings mean something different to men than they do to us. For many men, the wedding and the marriage are two completely different realities. Your fiancé may like the idea of a party. He wants his friends to be there for him and wish him well. He wants to celebrate your marriage. But his enthusiasm for marriage may or may not translate into a passion for wedding logistics. He may not see the need for symbolism in all the details the way you do. He probably doesn’t feel like his taste and skills as a host are on display in the same way you do. And frankly, he just doesn’t know what all this stuff is for, the way you do.

If your fiancé has a deep interest in evening gowns and decorating, that’s great and you can have a ball together coming up with your color scheme. But if he wasn’t interested in these things before you got engaged, why would he be interested in them now? Do you really think this means he doesn’t care about you? When you buy a house, you may or may not suddenly develop a fascination for home repairs. Does this have anything to do with how much you love your husband?

In a sense, you are lucky if this conflict has come up. Why? Because dealing with each other’s differences is one of the big challenges of marriage. You will be facing it in different forms again and again. Learning to handle your differences well is essential for a happy marriage. If you start now, you’ll find it much easier later on when you have to make decisions about work, money, and children.

Here’s a crash course in marital differences. Very often, the qualities that attract you to your partner are the very ones that later start to drive you crazy. We are often attracted to people with qualities we don’t have, so that we can have more balance in our lives.

For example, take the classic emotional differences between men and women. Women tend to have wider mood swings. They can learn from men to take things more in stride and not suffer so much from their down moods. Men, on the other hand, can learn to enjoy a richer emotional experience by being with women. Men can learn that sometimes you need to talk about your feelings. Women can learn that you don’t always have to talk about your feelings. Sometimes a movie or a game of tennis is a better idea.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? It is—until for a variety of reasons we start to want the other person to be more like us. Instead of appreciating the other person for their differences, we start to criticize them and try to change them. A wedding is often one of those times. You will have a much happier wedding, not to mention marriage, if you stop wanting to change your fiancé start focusing on how his perspective enriches your life.

Here are some ideas to try:

1. Sit down with your fiancé and ask him how he views your wedding. What is important to him? What is he enjoying? What is a burden for him? If he could have the wedding exactly as he wanted it, what would it look like?

When he talks, don’t interrupt him or disagree with him, even if he pushes some hot buttons for you. Your job is just to listen and understand his perspective. You may be surprised at how much he appreciates this and how much you learn.

Then switch places and tell him your perspective. If you have been feeling distant from him because of your disagreements, this exercise will likely bring you closer.

2. In the exercise above, your fiancé may have said some things that bother you or hurt your feelings. To begin with, don’t look at this as a problem to solve as much as an issue to explore. Try this technique from cognitive psychology to learn more about your own feelings.

Write what bothers you. Then ask yourself these questions:
What’s the evidence for this?
Is there any other way to look at this?
Am I taking something personally that really is not personal to me?

3. Choose one or two things that you would like him to be involved in that are really important to you. Tell him how you feel about them. Offer him some specific ways to help and leave it up to him to choose between them.

“I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster,” said Julie, four months before her wedding. “I’ve never been so happy, but then suddenly I’ll find myself in tears. Sometimes it feels like I’m about to go away and say goodbye to everyone. But we’re not going anywhere!”

What’s going on with Julie? The most natural reaction in the world. In the excitement of the wedding, we often lose track of one simple fact. A wedding is a major life transition, like going to college or having a baby. The essence of a life transition is saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new. It is inevitable that you will have feelings of sadness and loss along with the joy and excitement. This is the bride’s “emotional cocktail.” Too often brides compare their ups and downs to the pictures of pure ecstasy they see in the magazines and conclude there’s something wrong with them. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The emotional cocktail can be confusing, even though you have probably experienced it many times before. If you ever have moved or changed jobs, you are familiar with the wide range of feelings that accompany any major transition. This is because all transitions create gains and losses.

Think back to how you felt when you went off to college or left home. What an adventure! You were going to live on your own, meet new people, step into a whole new world of choices and experiences! At the same time you were saying goodbye to childhood and the protection of your family. You also may have loosened ties with friends who were going in different directions. There’s no way around it—we can’t move ahead without leaving something behind.

” I felt so done with being single,” said Jan. “I was tired of the dating game and wanted a deeper relationship. I was ready for the next stage of my life, creating a family of my own. So when Max proposed, it felt absolutely right. But a few weeks later, I found myself daydreaming about the freedoms of being single, like it was some unattainable life I could never have. It was like the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, except that I had already been on the other side of the fence!”

What it comes down to is that we want change and at the same time we don’t want it. We know what we have to give up, but we can’t know exactly what we are getting in return. We are torn between embracing growth and adventure and holding onto the familiar.

All of this is perfectly natural, but it doesn’t seem natural when you’re a bride and getting the message that you’re supposed to be blissed out 24 hours a day. Natural feelings can start to feel like “forbidden feelings.”

Linda always has been a very independent woman. “As the wedding drew closer, I started to feel guarded and grouchy, not like a happy bride at all! I started to worry about how much control John was going to have over my life. How much free time would I have? Privacy? What if I couldn’t spend my money the way I liked? Can I even call it my money?”

Chances are you are looking forward to the acceptance and growth that you find only in a permanent commitment. And yet at the same time you feel nervous about losing privacy, sole control over your money, being one of the (single) gang, or freedom to travel whenever you want. If you refuse to acknowledge these “forbidden feelings,” you will be a candidate for “bridal meltdown.”

What you need most right now is to open yourself up to your contradictory feelings and accept them. It is not having feelings such as sadness that causes pain; it is fighting with yourself and your natural impulses. When you accept your feelings, you find out they are not so terrible or frightening. It’s really the taboo about having mixed feelings that is frightening. When you accept your feelings, they become part of the richness of life’s major turning points.

Right now you’re probably thinking: How can I accept feeling angry? I’m supposed to be deliriously happy! I’ve got 18 days (or 30 or 120) to get to that pinnacle of joy I’m supposed to be on! You don’t have to work so hard to make yourself feel joy. The joy will come naturally—as long as you’re not fighting yourself. If you are clamping down on your forbidden feelings, you will find yourself clamping down on your joy as well. The more you accept ALL your feelings, the more happiness you will feel—naturally.

Tips for Dealing with the emotional cocktail:

1. Name your feelings. Do you feel sad, nostalgic, scared, guilty, curious, or excited? Or all of them put together?

2. Connect with your feelings in a physical way. Sit quietly by yourself. Take a few deep breaths. What feeling comes up? Resist the urge to push it away.

Where in your body does this feeling exist? If the feeling is so big that you feel like you’re inside it, realize that your feelings are always inside you. They are a part of you, not all of you. How much space does it take up? How does it feel, physically? Breathe into that feeling.

Say: “I feel _____________ and I accept it.”

3. Write your feelings. Cover one or two pages with your feelings. Do not think of this as “journaling.” That is far too formal. Think of this as free associating on the page. This is what Natalie Goldberg means by “writing down the bones” or Julia Cameron means by “morning pages.” Just write. You will feel relief and new clarity.

4. Devote 5 minutes each day to accepting your feelings. You may do either exercise above, talk to a friend, or anything else you choose. Even this much quiet time with yourself will calm you.

The more you accept—even embrace—the emotional cocktail, the more you will enjoy this rich time in your life.

“I thought our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple would be so special,” sighed Shelley to her best friend Kate. “But instead, it’s like he already just takes me for granted.”

” What happened? Did he forget?” asked Kate.

” No, he brought me flowers and a card and then we just had an ordinary night. I was thinking a nice dinner, maybe theatre tickets, something really romantic. Since he didn’t say anything, I thought it was going to be a surprise—but not this kind of surprise!”

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for a romantic date, flowers, and “just us” time. And as Shelley found out, it’s also the perfect time to learn some essential marriage wisdom.

We get married because we think we’ve finally found the person who will make us feel special, loved, and appreciated in a way that no one else has. If this doesn’t happen the way we imagined, we can feel horribly disappointed and feel as if our partner doesn’t care the way we thought he or she did.

Here is where most of us make our mistake.

What it really means is that we haven’t learned enough about each other yet. Here is the truth about making each other feel special.

1. The gestures that make us feel special are different for each one of us.
   Did your family make a big deal out of birthdays? Did they plan parties in advance, build up the excitement, and spend a lot of money? Chances are that this style of celebration means love to you and you will expect the same from your partner. If his family took a low-key approach, he probably will as well. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he “takes you for granted,” as Shelley thought.
2. A wedding ring does not turn anyone into a mind-reader—the only way our partner knows what makes us feel special is if we speak up.
   I don’t know where we got the idea that if he loves us, he will know what we want. The truth is, sometimes he will be tuned into our needs and sometimes he won’t. AND THE SAME IS TRUE FOR EVERYONE. It has nothing to do with whether the two love each other; it has to do with being human.
3. Before we can speak up, we have to figure it out for ourselves. Sometimes even WE don’t know what we really want.
   Have you ever had a bad day at work and didn’t know how to make yourself feel better? We all have. Most of us don’t automatically know what makes us feel nurtured—we learn through a process of self-discovery. And until we do, we can’t communicate it to someone else.
4. Learning how to make each other feel special takes time.
   Taking this journey of self-discovery together is one of the joys of marriage. Think of your marriage as a movie, not a snapshot. It is always unfolding, and becoming and it will be better next year than it is this year. What Shelley needs to do is just open a conversation with her husband. She needs to find out how he feels about holidays and let him know how she feels. She needs to let him know that a special date on Valentine’s Day is important to her. She needs to start with the idea that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate special occasions—there simply are different perspectives.

The key to a happy marriage is not a picture-perfect Valentine’s Day. It is a commitment to learn. It is an attitude of curiosity, discovery, and delight in each other. Learn this essential marriage wisdom, and you will make each other feel special on Valentine’s Day and every day.

In my counseling practice, I work with couples in all stages of life. I see engaged couples and married couples who are struggling with their relationships. Very often these men and women want very different things out of life. I see men who are driven to create brilliant careers married to women who just want them home with the family. I see women bent on building their dream houses married to men who want to take it easy on the weekends. I see social butterflies married to homebodies. They are disappointed that their dreams are not coming true, and they have fallen into the habit of criticizing the dreams of their spouses.

How many of these couples do you think talked about their life goals before they got married? How many devoted time to envisioning their future? If you guessed, “Not many,” you’d be exactly right.

With 20/20 hindsight, they can see that this was a big mistake. Inevitably they say they wish they had talked openly about what they wanted and how they would get it at the beginning.

You don’t have to wait for 20/20 hindsight. You can benefit from the experience of couples who have gone before you. You can start talking with your fiancé right away about what you want out of life.

You can, but you may not. I’m well aware that once the wedding momentum takes off, it can be hard to focus on life after the wedding, even though you know how important it is. I’m also aware that you’ve probably already heard the advice I’m giving you—from books, your parents, perhaps your pastor. Rather than tell you what you should be doing—again—I’m going to help you understand the reasons why you may be putting off those crucial discussions. I’m also going to give you some tips for getting around those reasons. With more awareness of what’s stopping you and some ideas for getting started, it will be easier for you to have the necessary conversations about your future.

Reason #1: “I can barely keep up with everything I have to do now.”

Remedy: Enlist the help of your fiancé, your mother, or a trusted friend—anyone who’s good at keeping things in perspective. Ask him/her to help you do a reality check on your wedding to-do list. First, divide your list into critical tasks, such as reserving a hall, and optional tasks, such as making your own favors. If you’re like many brides, many optional tasks have started to seem like absolutely essential tasks. That’s why you need another pair of eyes to help you see the difference. Tell your helper to be tough! Most likely, you can eliminate 20% of the items on your to-do list; no one will know the difference, and you still will have a beautiful wedding.

Make a timetable for the critical tasks. Then get them out of your head and into your calendar, just as you do at work. One excellent way of getting them out of your head is to delegate. Most likely you have friends or family that would be honored to be in charge of part of your wedding.

While you’ve got your calendar out, schedule some down time. This could be a date with your fiancé, a walk, a pedicure—the only rule is there is no wedding talk allowed. You may find it hard at first, but stick with it. A break from wedding planning will slow your mind down and make you feel more ready to talk about emotional topics.

Reason #2: “I’m afraid we might find out that our goals are incompatible.”

Remedy: Realize that compatibility isn’t usually a question of black and white. Most couples have some important goals that they disagree on. The success of your marriage doesn’t depend on agreeing on everything. It depends on learning to communicate respectfully about your differences and committing to approaching your differences with creativity and an open mind. The earlier you start talking, the sooner you will learn these skills.

Of course, there are some issues of compatibility that are black and white. For example, if you want children and your fiancé doesn’t, all the creativity in the world will not satisfy both of your needs. If you find you have such a conflict, it will take courage to face the truth. Realize that you do have that courage inside you. Your courage actually will grow stronger if you seriously commit yourself to accepting the truth.

Reason #3: “I believe love will conquer all. Things will fall into place as time goes on.”

Remedy: At a conscious level, we all know this is not true. But somewhere deep inside, we may be hanging on to this belief. Get through to your inner self by doing some field research. Talk to older married couples you know. Ask them about the ups and downs of their marriages and how they got through the challenging times. Hearing about their struggles and successes first-hand will help you grasp in a deeper way what it really takes to make marriage work from day to day.

Reason #4: “When we talk about goals, we get into an argument.”

Remedy: Get some communication skills training ASAP. Begin by reading Communication in One Lesson, in the archives of this column. Then pick up the phone and make an appointment for pre-marital counseling. This is a problem you need to nip in the bud.

Don’t make envisioning your future the last item on your to-do list. Figure out the reasons why you’re not making it a priority; then use these remedies to sit down and start creating a marriage that will make you both happy.

Quiz:

• A lot of unhappiness in marriage comes from having unrealistically high expectations.

  True  /  False

• The worst thing you can do for your relationship is to look down on your partner.

  True  /  False

• Compromise is the best way to settle arguments.

  True  /  False

• There is nothing wrong with getting angry with your partner.

  True  /  False

• A good marriage makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise!

  True  /  False

Your score:

Answers:
1. False
2. True
3. False
4. True
5. True

Click on the answers to learn more.

4 or 5 correct answers: Congratulations! You have a lot of insight into the complicated world of relationships. You and your fiancé will reap the benefits as you build your life together.

3 correct answers: You are pretty well informed, but a little more knowledge would be money in the bank for the health of your marriage.

1 or 2 correct answers: Please get some more information—soon! A little reading, a class or some counseling will save your marriage from a lot of needless stress and strain.

Learn more about the answers:

1. No! Aim high! Remember the expression “self-fulfilling prophecy?” We’ve known for years that when parents and teachers expect great things of children, the children deliver. Likewise, when the adults expect little, the children deliver on that, too.

Recent research shows that the same is true for marriages. If you think of your spouse as your ball and chain, that’s exactly what he or she will be. However, if you have high hopes for marriage, those hopes are more likely to come true.

Now, this doesn’t mean that hoping is all it takes, or that by turning a blind eye to challenges you can avoid them. Your optimism must be backed up by a commitment to get the information, spend the time, and make the effort to have a wonderful marriage. Nonetheless, it all starts with your expectation that it will be wonderful.

2. Step one of a happy marriage is acceptance of each others’ differences. It is an unfortunate fact that we humans tend to think that “different from us” = “worse than us.” This is harmful to all of our relationships. It can be fatal to our marriage. Such attitudes as “taking the high moral ground” and “my way or the highway” destroy love. If you find yourself scoffing at your partner’s opinions or taking a superior tone: STOP! BREATHE! COOL DOWN! Remember who you are talking to. Take a break until you are able to speak with respect.

3. This one may surprise you. Compromise is good, but understanding is even better. When your partner disagrees with you, remember that he or she has a reason for it. There is some concern that is very important to them that their plan will address. On the flip side, there may be something they are very afraid of that their plan will prevent. Don’t rush into a compromise. First, make it your job to understand what your partner’s concern is. When you do, you will likely discover you had more common ground than you realized. This takes practice. Your reward will be a deeper connection and sense of unity.

4. Anger is good! Anger is a roadmap that points us in the direction of what’s important to us and what needs attention. The problem is how we express it. For some reason, it is easy for most of us to overreact or underreact when we are angry. We either sweep things under the carpet or we go on the attack. Avoiding issues is a recipe for growing resentment and distance. Attacking causes hurt feelings that can ultimately destroy love. Learning to express anger in an honest AND loving way (We’re not kidding!) is one of the best investments you can make in your marriage.

5. Married people enjoy better health than single people. They live longer, too! Some studies have shown that married people have a death rate that is half that of single people. Not surprisingly, they also have better mental health: lower rates of depression, anxiety and other problems.

Married people also have more money. (How many times have you heard of a single wealthy person?) Part of this is simply due to the power of two people working together on a goal. Perhaps more importantly, you cannot overestimate the power of a mate who has faith in your ability to reach your goals. This faith will sustain and motivate you in times of big challenges and self-doubt. It can make a big difference in your ability to achieve your goals, financial and otherwise. Of course, support of this quality does not just happen by magic. It takes two partners committed to making mentorship a key part of their relationship.